Dear Daisy,
I've just broken up with my boyfriend and I'm scared I've made a huge mistake. I ended it a month ago because I told him I really wasn't sure whether he was the one. Since that happened, I've felt so sad and lonely and I'm really starting to wonder whether that relationship was as good as it could get. I miss him so much. I know my Mum thinks I'm being an idiot. A bit of me thinks that if we got back together I would never be able to get rid of the doubts, but this part is so much more painful than I ever thought it could be. Should I try to get him back? Help!
Broken hearted girl
Dear BHG,
Firstly, oh, love, I’m so sorry. I genuinely think that the end of a relationship is one of the most hideous, horrible, difficult to endure life experiences that is out there. It doesn’t matter who made the decision. You’re in pain right now, and it’s natural and human to reach for anything that might help you fix that pain. In your case, it’s your ex. When we are hurt, we need the people who are the closest to us, but when you’re in the throes of a break up, the cure is the cause, and it’s much more complicated.
I don’t think you’ve made a mistake. I think that it’s entirely understandable that you feel that way, but I would advise you, right now, to stay with the feelings. You feel as though you’re out in the cold and you’re desperate to get warm again, but you need to acclimatise to the cool air. If you rush back into a relationship with your ex, I suspect the same problems will resurface. It seems that you both need to do some growing alone before you can think about trying to do so together.
When I was 26, the man that I thought was the love of my life broke up with me. Even though I was unhappy with him, I was even more unhappy without him, and I simply didn’t believe it was possible for me to feel that way about anyone ever again. He was my big love. (I got married last October to someone completely different, and I wish I could go back and tell Past Me to sit tight and get my breath back, because the real Big Love was coming).
One of the hardest aspects of a break up is that you feel deprived of happy times and shared moments. You can’t imagine sharing bits of the Sunday papers or drinking coffee in bed with anyone else, and doing it alone seems daunting, unappealing and miserable. But I am sure that you will come to adore doing it by yourself. One day, you’ll almost certainly do it with someone else, and love it just as much in a different way. But it’s really important to exorcise relationship rituals instead of clinging onto them just because you miss that warmth.
Mums - and Dads - can be difficult. Most of them, I think, only want their children to be happy. But they want your happiness to be the sort that is easy for them to understand. Even in 2016, we’re all very conservative and traditional when we think about women and families. I think your Mum wants you to settle down with a partner, and possibly produce grandchildren, because it’s a path that makes sense to her. She did it, her Mum did it, and so on. If you find happiness by breaking up with your boyfriend and trekking up Machu Picchu, for example, she might struggle with it because you’re breaking the template she has followed. You’re unhappy because a major part of your life, which felt safe and known, isn’t there any more. Now you’re facing the unknown, which is thrilling, but scary. She’s just as scared of your unknown as you are, which might be why she’s urging you to return to what seems safe.
If you had enough misgivings to end the relationship in the first place, I don’t think you’re going to gain anything by getting back together with your ex. Also (and this will sound brutal) I don’t know how he’s feeling. He might jump at the chance of a reunion, or he might now be in a different headspace entirely and want to move on. Either way, you don’t have as much decision making power now as you did when you had the conversation.
This doesn’t mean that it’s the end. It’s possible that in a year or five, you and your ex will both be ready to make it work with each other, and go on to have a happy second relationship. However, right now, I think you need to be incredibly kind to yourself, and find peace in being by yourself instead of rushing back into something that was good but not quite right. This is supposed to be hard, and you need to be brave, but I promise something strong and wonderful will grow from the pain. The best time to begin a relationship is when you want one more than you need one. Right now, it feels like you need your ex - but what you really need is to grieve for the end of the relationship and find a way to love feeling like you again.
Wishing you all love and luck,
Daisy xxx
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