Louisa is keeping a secret from her husband. It makes her feel guilty when she thinks about it, but she’s not prepared to give it up. It’s hers alone and something she never wants him to discover. It’s not an affair. There are no illicit meetings or incriminating texts that she needs to hide. Her secret is a bank account, into which she pays a portion of her salary every month for what she calls a ‘f**k-off fund’.
‘I’m not planning to leave him, but I want to know I can if I ever need to,’she says. ‘We’re saving for a bigger house and every spare penny is supposed to be going towards that, so my husband would go mad if he realised that I’m secretly stashing money away, and have been since before we got married.’
Louisa, 36, may not be cheating on her husband in a physical sense, but she is committing financial infidelity – the term for behaviour including spending money, possessing credit cards and holding secret accounts behind the back of your partner. It’s remarkably common, but can thwart and even destroy relationships. ‘Financial infidelity has become a huge issue,’ says financial expert and founder of Money Magpie, Jasmine Birtles. ‘It can cause huge problems within relationships. It’s one of the reasons rows over money are often cited as the leading cause of divorce.’
New research by Lloyds Bank reveals that while just 4% of 18-to-35-year-olds view debt as the most off-putting trait in a potential partner, one in five believe hiding money problems is the biggest barrier to building a long-term relationship. Further, an increasing number of young women are choosing not to set up joint accounts with their partners, a new study found. Even the majority of us who have nothing particularly sinister to hide struggle to discuss our finances with our partner: the Lloyds survey found couples are likely to talk about whether or not to have pets before revealing their financial situation, and three in 10 would wait for more than six months before bringing up the subject of personal debt.
According to Jasmine, deception such as Louisa’s is relatively widespread among women – a hangover perhaps from the days when we had little financial independence. ‘Some of us are raised with the idea that it’s important to have a running-away fund, in case we’re in a situation we need to leave,’ she says. Louisa agrees, saying, ‘It’s something my mum always had, and it was sensible because she and my dad split up. That’s the reason it makes me feel more secure, knowing I have money that’s just mine, that my husband doesn’t know about. I do sometimes feel guilty that I’m hiding something from him – I’d hate it if he was keeping secrets from me, so I know there’s an element of hypocrisy.’
In circumstances such as abusive relationships, a secret account could be a lifeline. Otherwise, though, ‘a lack of honesty about money can lead to distrust,' says Jasmine. ‘And if someone isn’t open about money, it can be a worrying sign – if they’re secretive about that, there will often be other problems, too.’
Anna, 28, found herself in this position when she discovered her boyfriend of a year owed thousands of pounds in debt. ‘We were going to Italy for a friend’s wedding and he asked me to put the trip on my credit card, telling me he’d pay me back shortly after by taking money out of his savings,’ she says. ‘We went away and when we came back, he finally admitted he couldn’t give me what he owed, because he didn’t have any savings. In fact, he had loads of credit card debts he’d never mentioned. If he’d told me before, we could have worked it out, but I felt really hurt and betrayed when I found out because he’d lied.
‘It wasn’t just that I had a huge bill to pay, I felt like I couldn’t trust him – and like I didn’t even know him, actually. What else might he be lying to me about? I think his actions were probably the result of shame about his debts, but I felt as though he’d conned me and I’d been stupid. It ruined our relationship and we split up. Sadly, it’s made me much less trusting of new guys.’
Meanwhile, Eve Obasuyi’s fiancé Nicholas lied about his salary when they first met, claiming it was £15,000 higher than it really was. ‘It all came out because we were planning to buy a house together and I told him I’d need his payslips so we could get a mortgage,’ says Eve, 27. ‘He tried to pretend what the payslips showed wasn’t his whole salary, because he got bonuses, but a er a lot of discussions he finally told me the truth.
‘At first, I was annoyed and couldn’t understand why he’d felt the need to lie. He said he was embarrassed and didn’t want me to think he wasn’t doing as well as me – at the time, I’d just qualified as a pharmacist and was earning more. But I’d have been fine about it if he’d just been honest with me.'
The couple made a pact to be completely transparent with one another about their finances from that point on, and have set up an Instagram platform called Money Medics to help other Millennials navigate financial issues, such as credit scores and getting a shared mortgage. ‘There’s still so much shame around the subject of money, so we’re trying to show it’s better to get it all out on the table early on,’ she says.
Jasmine agrees. ‘If you’re living together and sharing bills, you need to know your partner’s financial position, because it will affect your own. It’s particularly important if you’re buying a property together – for instance, if your partner has a bad credit rating and you get a joint mortgage, it will affect your own rating, so it’s vital to be aware.’ She adds, ‘If we open up and talk about money, it takes the fear out of the subject – and it’s so much healthier for relationships.’
Have you experienced financial infidelity? Email feedback@graziamagazine.co.uk