In 1998, a then 22-year-old Monica Lewinsky was branded a homewrecking slut after news of her affair with President Bill Clinton broke. He was 50, not to mention her boss, yet a poll at the time showed his support from female voters grew after the scandal while his young mistress's reputation was left in tatters. Now 50 herself, Lewinsky is the face of a major fashion campaign by Reformation, and with #MeToo having shifted our understanding of power, is seen by many as a feminist icon.
Similarly, riding the crimson wave of Tampongate in 1993, Camilla Parker Bowles was once one of the most hated women in Britain, maybe even the world. Why? Because she too was a mistress; the ‘other woman’ in Charles and Diana’s marriage. Fast forward to 2023 and The Independent named Camilla the most influential woman of the year, and, oh yeah, – she was Queen. It was quite the redemption arc.
On hit TV show Succession, meanwhile, patriarch Logan Roy is portrayed as a womaniser who had two major affairs in his two marriages. Yet rather than his mistresses being demonised, they were invited to sit front row at Roy’s funeral with his wife and ex-wife – and all were united in their grief, and in sharing the ways that Roy’s sexist entitlement had hurt them.
All of which suggests that the much maligned mistress is now being treated with more empathy and nuance. Perhaps a vibe shift is occurring, in which we are extending compassion to those who find themselves in the role of the ‘other woman’. After all, it’s not a fun position to be in. Being a mistress is understanding that your emotional needs and desires will always come second to the ‘official’ relationship. It’s a morally grey position to be in, but, unless the mistress is also in another relationship of her own, she is not breaking any vows.
As a mistress, your emotional needs and desires will always come second to the ‘official’ relationship.
And yet, 2023 was also the year of #Scandoval, in which three stars of reality show Vanderpump Rules were embroiled in a cheating scandal. In this scenario, the ‘side chick’ was not met with empathy. Rather, Rachel ‘Raquel’ Leviss was effectively cancelled after news broke that she had slept with her friend Ariana Madix’s long-term partner Tom Sandoval. Sandoval was also the target of public ire, with trolls attempting to tank his business ventures.
When two people are in a monogamous relationship, the deal is that they don’t cheat. Historically, however, it has been the mistress who has copped the most flack, and very often the man – that is, the only one in the trio who is actually cheating – escapes largely unscathed. #Scandoval is an interesting development, in that both the cheating man and the ‘other woman’ have faced serious repercussions in the court of popular opinion.
So why do we have such a visceral reaction to the mistress? It’s a misogynist double standard that hints at an internalised Madonna/whore complex for women as well as men. In #Scandoval, it was female fans who were most upset with Leviss. Sleeping with another woman’s partner is ‘un-feminist’, a betrayal of the sisterhood. This ignores the fact that both women are being hurt by the same man’s entitlement. In seeing the ‘other woman’ as a predatory threat we suggest that men have no self-control and are therefore blameless.
Since publishing my novel Green Dot, which is told from the perspective of the mistress, I’ve received countless emails and messages from readers who have been in that position. A recurring theme is that they have felt unable to confide in anyone before, because of the blanket judgement that the other woman usually receives. I have also, however, received impassioned negative Goodreads reviews from readers who refuse to engage with a protagonist who is a mistress.
My protagonist ‘Hera’ is named after the Greek goddess of domesticity, who punished her husband Zeus’s mistresses. In naming her as I did, I wanted to explore the complexity of her position. My Hera desperately wants a family and a home to protect. She doesn’t want to be a mistress, but she is one. She’s in love. There are more and more novels depicting affair dynamics with this kind of nuance, from Frances in Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends to Edie in Raven Leilani’s Luster.
So is the mistress finally having her moment? It’s undeniable that there is a shift occurring in terms of how we represent her. Hopefully, what comes with this is a redirecting of our anger. Mine is towards the man – and I think yours should be too.
‘Green Dot’ is out now (£16.99, W&N)