Congratulations, you haven’t drunk any alcohol for a month (apart from those two times where you slipped up and drank alcohol) and now your fast is over and you’re all set to drink yourself into oblivion. Or, maybe you’re terrified of that first beer and don’t even want it in case you take a sip and wake up on the dance floor waving your bra over your head while cry-singing to *Bang Bang *(this is pretty much guaranteed to happen, by the way).
Whatever your plan this weekend, make sure you follow the five golden rules of not dying:
Eat
For God’s sake don’t have some soup and then sink a bottle of wine (or a glass) because it’s going to be hell. The best pre-drinking food is soup or sandwiches, according to nutritionist Kirsten Crothers, so get some of that down you.
‘Soup is good for pre-drinking as it hydrates you before the alcohol can dehydrate you,’ she told me. ‘Carbohydrates are good for keeping your sugar levels steady, providing you with energy through the night and reducing the rate at which you absorb alcohol. They are also relatively healthy.’
Maybe stick a KitKat in the fridge and popcorn in the cupboard so when you stumble in after one half-pint you’ve got something ready for you that isn’t 500g of pasta and a whole pot of pesto (this is what I did last night because I didn’t do dry January and didn’t put a Fruit Corner in my fridge).
‘A bowl of cereal, a KitKat, Muller Rice, Snack-a-jacks, skinny popcorn and yoghurts are all good options because you want something to satisfy your cravings without being high in calories or fat. Plus, they’re way cheaper,’ said Kirsten.
Put makeup wipes next to your bed
Because nobody is going to cleanse and moisturise (toning can fuck right off) when they can’t see. Do yourself a favour and get baby wipin’ like a windscreen wiper full of... babies. Sorry.
Drink a pint of water for every alcoholic drink
Nobody wants to be the boring person who drinks a pint of water for every alcoholic drink, but it’s not boring. It’s literally a magic cure for awful hangovers, which is something you’ll need bigtime when ‘on the lash like a legend’ (yawn). Seriously though, if you’ve not had a hangover for a month it won’t necessarily be physically worse, but it’ll feel worse and you’ll want to kill everyone.
If you forget because you’re drunk, then make sure you have a pint or two (OF WATER) before bed. As Kirsten puts it: ‘Alcohol tricks your body into peeing more and you get dehydrated... hence the headache the next day.’
So drink water all through the night and suck up the loo breaks, or drink a pint of water. Either way, spend Sunday not killing everyone.
**Turn your phone on Flight Mode **
If I hadn’t made this clear, tonight is going to be the night you’re most likely to be a total embarrassment. Yeah, you could download one of those apps that make you not call everyone you’ve ever met to tell them they’re ‘really special’ but you’re not going to.
So switch your phone to Flight Mode and, hopefully, you’ll be so battered, you’ll just think you’ve got no signal. Fingers crossed, you don’t presume it’s broken and throw it in front of a bus.
Cancel all your plans the next day
You are not going to go for brunch, help your mate fix her bike, visit that market or whatever you people do on Sundays (I stay in bed all day and watch *House *while wearing last night’s makeup and texting everyone I know to apologise/clarify).
You’re going to feel so gross you’ll put on that hoodie you don’t wear out of the house because it’s embarrassing, and vegetate. Don’t compound the pain by forcing yourself to cancel plans – you don’t deserve this guilt. You deserve something high in fat and comfort.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.