Hey guys! It’s Valentine's Day this weekend – did you forget? Did you? Nah, of course you didn’t because despite doing your very best to hide away under a big old rock, companies have been hunting you down Hunger Games style to shove their lingerie, chocolates, last minute getaways and terrible erotica films down your throat.
According to Vouchercloud.com though, our generation spends the MOST on Valentine’s Day – a whopping £155 per person. I mean putting aside the fact that if I ever had £155 to spare I’d be over the moon and go straight to ASOS and buy this, this study is going completely against everything our generation says about Valentine’s being a shit holiday that we all hate. Someone, somewhere is lying.
Because depending on whatever you do, Valentine’s Day is never going to live up to the huge wealth of expectation you always put on it. In fact, this year, I’m sacking off Valentine’s Day for good and going to comedian Lusia Omielan’s
. There’s still tickets by the way, and she’ll play Beyoncé and you should all come, it’ll be amazing.
Anyways, here’s why whatever you decide to do on V-Day, it won’t work out like you planned.
The Meal Out
Under normal circumstances this is perhaps the best part of having a partner: an excuse to go and stuff your face and drink all of the wine under the guise of being a good couple. Great stuff.
On Valentine’s Day though, it’s the worst. Seeing a million gooey-eyed couples gaze lovingly into each others’ eyes over their gourmet burgers totally shits all over the idea that you secretly harbour that your relationship is the best one and no-one else’s will ever come close.
Plus, you can get pretty competitive and that couple in the corner making out are about to see a lot more of your tonsils than they bargained for.
The ‘Surprise’
I mean, whenever this has happened to me, I’ve had to ask my boyfriend to plan a surprise beforehand, which kind of negates the point. Anyway, this Valentine’s Day idea is ultimately doomed from the start thanks to what can loosely be termed as ‘your overactive imagination’.
The poor chap’s done a stirling job booking a restaurant that ‘isn’t Nandos’ and cinema tickets to Fifty Shades (ironically, of course), but in your mind you were already Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman being flown to San Fransisco in a private jet.
No amount of cocktails is going to readjust that balance.
The Romantic Stroll
Never really ‘got’ the concept of walks. Either you’re walking to somewhere or walking away from somewhere. Anything else is just a waste of time. Especailly when you’re required to fill the entire time with romantic utterings and whispers of sweet nothings.
Perhaps I’m just an unromantic lump but after ‘I love you’ what else is there to say? Certainly not enough to fill the silence between your house and the park and back again. Instead, you’ll almost certainly end up pointing out cute dogs. Which is way more fun.
The Weekend Away
For starters, it’ll cost you a hell of a lot more than normal (this might be where the £155 number is coming from), due to it being Valentine’s Day and due to travel companies realising this and hiking their prices up.
Secondly, a weekend is not enough time to go anywhere – especially with your boyfriend. Do you know how annoying he is in places like airports on public transport in a foreign cities? It’s like him in Ikea on crack.
If you head out on Saturday and come back on Sunday, you’ll spend the entire weekend mad at him, all because he tried to talk to the Parisian taxi driver in French on the first day and made you both look like dicks.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Single Or Attached, Here’s How To Celebrate The Big Day Through The Medium Of Food
Indian Extremists Plan To Forcibly Marry Anyone Using The L Word On Facebook
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Picture: Francesca Allen
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.