Ilustrations: Michelle Thompson
Intro: Since the start of the pandemic, divorce enquiries have soared by a staggering 95 per cent. What’s more, 75 per cent of couples who’ve separated since the Covid crisis say they had no problems pre-pandemic.
‘Every year our peak times are straight after Christmas and after the summer holiday because people have had to spend more time together than usual,’ says divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt. ‘If you extend that period for the entire year during lockdown, you can see why couples are falling out.’
Vanessa sees clients from all walks of life and has been analysing why the pandemic has sparked a boom in divorce. ‘Lockdown has been very stressful and if you add children and home schooling into the mix, there have been lots of competitive arguments about which parent does what,’ she says. ‘Most of my clients have found their husbands have expected them to do the lion’s share, which breeds resentment. Many say they’ve found working from home in the same place as their husband, with the children around, plus the fear of Covid and worries over how to pay the bills, has ruined their relationship.’
In fact, in a study conducted by Stowe, the UK’s biggest biggest family law firms, almost half of couples said lockdown-related money worries had triggered conflict. But whether you’re the main earner in your marriage or you’ve been a stay-at-home-mum for years supported by your spouse, it’s vital you do your research before you file for divorce. Here Vanessa shares the vital secrets they don’t mention when you say, ‘I do’.
1. Be realistic about your lifestyle
One client came to see me with wildly unrealistic expectations, excitedly saying, ‘Oh my friend got millions. I want the same and I don’t want to sell the house.’ But the reality is her friend’s husband was the CEO of a massive company and this client’s husband was a low earner with only one property between them. I had to break the news gently that there was a substantial difference. People like instant answers, but I can’t ever tell what they’ll get until I’ve had time to explore each party’s financial situation in detail. It’s like a giant jigsaw puzzle. When I only have three pieces, I can’t see the full picture.
2. Warn us if your ex is a narcissist
It is vital women recognise the coercive behaviour that keeps a narcissist in the driving seat of a relationship. If you see a pattern that means you’re being controlled, it’s vital you tell your lawyer so we can make sure we handle your divorce accordingly. For instance, we don’t want our client to feel they have to back down or agree to all his demands out of fear. Blame-shifting is very common in narcissists – they may get their solicitor to write a letter implying you’re losing the plot. It might be phrased as, ‘We’ve been concerned for some time that your client is imagining things’. That’s a cunning way to target your vulnerabilities and we can help protect you from this in your divorce.
3. Don’t dump a pile of messy papers on our desk
My heart always sinks when a client walks into the first meeting with two carrier bags of papers, empties them on my desk and says, ‘What do you think I’m going to get?’ You feel a panic rising because for starters we’re not allowed to even look at the husband’s private financial records without his written permission. There has to be a formal ‘financial disclosure’ agreement first. If you’ve sneakily printed off something from his laptop, we’re not allowed to even glance at it. There are strict privacy laws to protect you both.
4. Give us a potted history of your marriage and money
Naturally people are often very emotional when they walk into our office, but it’s helpful for everyone if you can come armed with a short, typed summary of your marriage including who owns what. Try to include details of which assets were acquired before and during your marriage, who paid what for each house you’ve ever bought and how you split the proceeds. Include details of your mortgage or if you have no idea – surprisingly common! – let us know if you can find out. This all helps us figure out what you’re entitled to. If you’re the main earner or had independent wealth, let’s hope you have a prenuptial agreement.
5. Don’t kick off with nasty legal letters
Every week I receive divorce letters from other solicitors on behalf of their clients that are so aggressive it’s like the lawyer is fighting his own matrimonial case. If there has been abuse in a marriage, then fair enough, but sending a letter that’s full of nasty, undermining accusations isn’t the best way to start divorce proceedings.
In April this year, we’ll see the biggest ever change in divorce law. We’re switching to a ‘no-fault’ divorce system which means blame will no longer be attributed, making the process quicker and less acrimonious, hopefully. It will allow couples to jointly apply for a divorce instead of one person being the petitioner.
6. Remember we’re not therapists
One client used to call us four or five times a day to talk about the latest nasty thing her husband had said or done. We’d been clear from the outset that all advice would be charged for, but she kept on calling so eventually we had to send her a bill. She was upset, asking, ‘Oh, why have you charged me? I was just saying how I felt.’ I replied, ‘Of course, we empathise, but we did explain to you many times that we charge for our time and shouldn’t be dealing with that aspect of the divorce.’
The reality is we’re not qualified to deal with the emotional fall-out and it’s very important we set boundaries. Our role is to be problem-solvers, dealing with the finances and someone’s future lifestyle.
7. Consider a mediator
We often send clients to an independent mediator who can help with negotiation over issues with children or finances. Their role is different from a lawyer. I can act as a mediator too, but I can’t mediate for clients I’ve already seen and advised. A mediator has to be independent and will see the husband and wife separately at first, then meet them together to share all the information needed so they can reach a joint decision.
There’s a huge backlog in divorce cases, thanks to Covid, so we’ve started using arbitrators sometimes too (different from a mediator) who can act like a judge after hearing evidence. The courts are so busy right now, it’s a way to speed up final decisions on finances.
8. Consider carefully if you need child maintenance
If you’re not a high-earner and have been your children’s primary carer, then you should go for being their main carer after your divorce too. Joint custody may sound appealing but bear in mind if the children spend equal amounts of time at his house and yours then you won’t be entitled to any child maintenance which you may need.
9. Don’t move out of the family home
I tell every client: don’t leave your home. For instance, if the wife is wanting to keep the house, then moving out could be very detrimental. It puts all the power in your ex’s hands. Once you’ve moved out, you can’t go back in and if you think you’re going into rented accommodation ‘temporarily’ you could find you’re stuck there for a very long time. Most divorces take at least six to nine months, but it could be a year a longer. Never leave the children behind in the family home with him either. That would give him ammunition to argue in court that he wants to be their primary carer, as they’re already living with him.
10. Sadly, his cheating is usually irrelevant
No matter how much it hurts, the courts don’t care how many times someone has been unfaithful. It’s only relevant to your divorce settlement if it’s had a financial impact on you – i.e. your ex has a child from his affair or if they’ve taken their lover on a big spending spree using money from the joint account. Otherwise, the courts simply aren’t interested.
I’ve seen many cases where a husband has been committing adultery for a long time and even has a secret child with someone else. Clients have been devastated to discover their ex has paid for a home for the other woman and their child. It has major financial ramifications too. If he’s already supporting another child, the Child Maintenance Service will reduce the payments he needs to make for your own children.