‘Happy divorce day,’ said no one ever and, if they did, they a) have clearly never been through a divorce and b) ought to be gagged. Divorce is relentless, exhausting and utterly draining. A never-ending boxing match with blow after blow, there are no winners in divorce. Unless you’re a divorce lawyer, in which case you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
Before September 2020, my Instagram feed was filled with the usual images of a fashion editor jollying her way around European fashion shows: good hair, bold jewellery, always on my way to something fabulous, never a bad outfit-day. Behind the scenes, I’d been in couple’s therapy with my now ex-husband for several months. In July 2020, having left my husband in the family home to move to a crappy rental, I continued to post pics of ‘a day in the life’ of a fabulous woman with an even more fabulous job. Then, one day in autumn, I broke. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I could no longer keep up the shiny charade.
I made the decision to either leave social media altogether or to tell my Instagram followers the truth. I chose the latter and my feed exploded with similar tales from hundreds of women. Direct messages flooded in for months as women divulged their innermost fears and secrets. Stories of empty children’s bedrooms thanks to custody arrangements and endless fights over money and mortgages. I stayed up late into the night answering every single one.
The thing about divorce, which you’ll only discover when you’re knee-high in sorrow, is at least for a short while you cannot be around anyone who hasn’t been through it themselves. You’ll hear well- meaning platitudes, everything from, ‘Oh, you’ll be fine, you’re young, you’ll meet someone else!’ to ‘Bet you can’t wait to have the bed all to yourself !’ Not once does this chivvying advice take into consideration the source of pain during divorce, which feels like a never-ending grief: children. The grief I felt at dismantling my children’s happiness in pursuit of my own almost killed me. I’d wake up in the night clutching my chest, assuming I was having a heart attack. I wasn’t. I was grieving my old life, or rather, the one I’ll never have.
The grief I felt at dismantling my children's happiness in pursuit of my own almost killed me.
stacey duguid
So, rather than wish you a happy divorce day (which, by the way, is the first working day of the year when divorce lawyers receive the most enquiries), I want to say this: divorce is painful, dark and lonely. You’ll hit various stages of grief and despair along the way, and it will feel never-ending. Until, one day, you’ll catch a glimmer of something up ahead. And then, another day, you find yourself out of the tunnel and into a whole new world. You’ll never be the same again (I wish someone had mentioned this to me), as the wounds of divorce never really heal, but, eventually, you will find joy in small things you’d never noticed before. One day you’ll make new memories, new traditions, but perhaps don’t rush to usher in a new partner. Like your married friends may have mentioned, enjoy the empty bed while you can. Alternatively, do what I did and get two dogs.