I am being peer-pressured into downloading Pokémon Go, but I will not to download it. I refuse. You can't make me.
I have heard your 'woops' and 'ahhhs'. I have seen your Facebook statuses brimming with references, such as 'spent my entire lunchbreak catching Pokémon Lol!' 'Just found a Pokémon in my shower, oh, what lark!'
I also know that it is more popular than all the cult apps that came before it including Candy Crush, Angry Birds... even Tinder.
But I won't join you, not out of an act defiance nor martyrdom and no I am not hipster. I hate it BECAUSE.....
1. I don't want to ruin my childhood memories
I don't want to brag here guys, but I used to be a fan of Pokémon. And by fan, I MEAN FAN. I had enough Pokémon cards to fill three A4 ring binders. I had more 'shinies' than I had baked bean and smiley-potato suppers and I often had disgruntled parents knock on my door to complain that I had haggled their child into doing an unfair swap (entrepreneurial amirite?).
I loyally detested Digimon, I had a cuddly toy Bulbasaur, My Pokémon journal was limited edition from Japan... I even had a crush on Ash for goodness sake.
I was a Pokemon-ster.
Pokémon makes me feel nostalgic and fuzzy inside. This is the exact reason why I am terrified to download the game and tarnish all the memories of card collecting and epic battling my friends.
Imagine today's 9-year-old Justin Bieber fans, looking for the singer in 2030 (who had hypothetically gone AWOL between then) and finding a podgy Hagrid-look alike, clutching a can of Special Brew warbling 'babbbbbyyy baby oooooh' whilst spraying a cloud of week-old tuna. I cannot take the risk for little me's sake, I just can't.
2. It's dangerous
Brexit and Hiddleswift mania has been brutally buried by headlines screaming,'Pokémon Go Player jumps onto a line track in Canada!' 'Women gets stuck in a tree playing Pokémon Go!' 'Two men fall of a cliff playing the Pokémon Go!’ There is plenty more where that came from chaps.
Ahead of Pokémon Go being released in Japan, the Government even distributed Pokémon safety flyers.
I don't want to sound like I am as much fun as a bag of sick exploding on your new Stan Smith trainers, but this doesn't seem like an app I should download anytime soon. I mean, I can barely glance at Google Maps on my phone without accidentally shoulder barging a pensioner, let alone something that requires both eyes and some brain juice.
3. Who even has the time?
People seem to be spending an awful amount of time embarking on Pokémon adventures and it begs the question 'how do you even have the time?' As it is, I still haven't had a chance to start The Good Wife series, replace my housemates chopped tomatoes or put a white wash on. My to do list is longer the queue at Zara. I haven't had even had the time to ring my nan* LET ALONE chase virtual Pokémon characters in the street like a madman.
*I'll do it now I promise.
4. It will depress me because I never go out
I go to work, I go to the gym, I go to sleep. I am fully aware that my social life is having a 'minor' dip at the moment and I don't fancy being reminded that I don't do anything. Imagine my embarrassment when there are EFF ALL Pokémons in my proximity. Being a twenty-something female is hard enough without developing raging FOMO-itus and a full blown existential crisis as well. Can I live in a bubble of delightful ignorance please?
And lastly, but probably most importantly...
5... My iPhone would probably combust
One time I tried to download an Online Banking app and my phone broke down in complete and utter agony. Passwords were reset. Pictures were deleted. My phone only cooperates on his terms and falls asleep all the bloody time (that’s right, my phone is a male). My phone would probably disintegrate into a pile of debris if I even humored the idea of downloading an app that isn't a calculator or a stopwatch.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.