Who doesn’t love an alpha male? Common wisdom has it that (all) women go week at the knees at the sight of a confident, authoritative man running the show, giving orders and generally showing us who’s boss. (Hint: it’s him).
It’s hot because it’s our natural instinct as the ‘weaker’ sex (emphasis on quote marks here) to want a man who’s a strong, confident provider. And on the flipside, there’s nothing less attractive and more emasculating than a beta male, who lets himself be bullied and bossed about by all those alphas (both male and female).
On first glance it makes sense. Studies show that alpha males earn more than betas – in other words, what sort of a hunter/gatherer/provider is beta male going to be?
But what if you’re earning plenty of money yourself, ta very much? What if you are, in fact, an alpha female? Are you destined for a life on the shelf (ugh, that phrase needs to go into retirement) because you put off all the hot, interesting (read: alpha) men with your confidence and earning potential? Or will you be forced to settle for a disappointing beta male who’s frankly cowed by your brilliance?
All questions that are answered in new book The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match: How Today’s Strong Women Can Find Love and Happiness Without Settling, by Sonya Rhodes and Susan Schneider. The book points out that with women outpacing men in terms of earnings and education, we need to start reassessing what we look for in a mate.
For starters, Rhodes and Schneider suggest looking beyond the broad judgements we make about potential partners based on whether they’re alpha or beta and instead reconsider alphas (who tend to be overly competitive and domineering) in favour of betas who are communicative, responsible and collaborative.
Secondly, they claim that we all have varying degrees of alpha/beta traits, and actually it’s far more important to find someone who’s well matched to your own personality combination. (You can take the author’s quiz to find out how alpha you are here).
‘The beta man is no longer the guy assumed to be gay if he likes yoga, dresses well, or is vegan,’ they explain in the book. ‘His ego doesn’t depend on scoring macho points. He is dependable, responsible and supportive.’
An alpha male might seem totally appealing if you’re hoping a relationship will rescue you in some way, but what if you’re used to rescuing yourself? And more importantly, is ending up with a beta guy really settling? Of course not.
Personally, I need no convincing here. I grew up with a beta father – so much so, that he stayed at home and looked after us while my mum worked full time. They did it that way round because it was a set-up that worked best for everyone. My mum got the career progression that meant she could support the whole family (which wouldn’t have happened if she’d had to contend with all, or even some, of the childcare) and we had a stay-at-home parent, who was patient, kind and certainly not hankering to be somewhere else.
Does my mum think for one second that she settled? Not in a million years. Did my dad ever feel emasculated changing nappies, coming on school trips and being the only dad in the playground? Of course not – he’s not that easily emasculated.
We assume that when it comes to men, beta is another word for weak. But what if that isn’t the case at all? What if the beta guys are actually the super-cool blokes who are so confident in their own masculinity that they don’t need to be the big I Am?
What if classic alpha traits – feeling the need to throw your weight around, shouting the loudest and generally dominating the room/conversation/everything – are actually signs of weakness? That suddenly changes how we all feel about so-called alpha males, doesn’t it?
Gone are the days when we had little choice than to go for a partner who boasted all the characteristics of a good provider. For almost all of us, relationships and marriage won’t be about finding someone to support us into old age (either way, we’ll be doing that ourselves). Instead, we’re looking to form partnerships in the truest sense of the word – based on two equals working together, rather than two people fighting over who’s in charge.
Everyone'’s got a type, and maybe yours is a classic alpha male. But next time you dismiss a beta male outright as not for you, think about what traits you’d actually find attractive in a partner, and think again...
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.