Dear Daisy,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over five years. I’ve never been worried he’s going to cheat on me, mainly because he’s a very introverted guy. He has a few very close friends but is usually more than happy to hang around at home on his own or with me.
Recently he’s made a new friend from work. She’s a woman, which is totally fine as of the friends he has about 50% are female. But this one bothers me.
They went out for a work night out and he came back in at 6:30am - totally fine, but the next day I saw his screen when he was texting her and realised that it'd been just the two of them from about 10pm and they'd gone for a walk along the canal and sat together alone for hours. She's started staying over at our house after work, and the next day they go for breakfast or to the cinema together without me.
What's more, he's mentioned in passing that he talks to her about emotional things he doesn't talk to me about. We've been together for years and I tell him everything, but there are now huge parts of his life he's sharing with her but not with me.
What do I do? This woman is younger, prettier, cleverer and thinner than me. I feel like my boyfriend is getting all the fun and emotional parts of a relationship from her and then just coming back to have sex with me. I don't feel I can say anything, though - If I say I'm worried I come across as a paranoid girlfriend, if I ask her to stop seeing him I'm stopping him from seeing someone who has quickly become one of his closest friends.
Jess
Dear Jess,
Urghhhh, I know it’s not feminist or right or kind or nice or decent, but I am so cross with this woman! When you’re in that position, and become close with someone who has a long established partner, you do everything you can to alleviate any potential, possible weirdness or anxiety caused by the situation.
You make sure everyone feels included. You’re compassionate and empathetic enough to understand that things might get weird, and it’s on you to make them Not Weird. Even if you don’t work it out for yourself, you’ve presumably seen enough predictable sitcoms to know that problems will arise unless you’re totally transparent.
Obviously, it takes two people to bring about this problem, and your boyfriend definitely needs to do more to put your mind at rest.You’ve mentioned that half of his friends are women, and this doesn’t bother you, but there’s something about this particular situation which pushes your buttons.
To be honest, if my husband had a particular guy friend that he stayed up all night giggling with, who made me feel as though I was being pushed out of the picture, I’d feel as though our intimacy was being encroached on, even if I wasn’t worried that they fancied each other.
I think one of the saddest, hardest parts of long term relationships is that over time, it can feel as though you’re becoming less close. In the first flush of love, you can’t get enough of each other, and you’re desperate to tell each other everything. Then you get comfortable, you’ve heard each other’s stories and it can feel as though there’s nothing left to tell.
Finding a new audience is invigorating, and building a fresh connection with anyone does seem seductive. Without knowing either of you, I want to say please don’t worry that this woman is more attractive than you, or better than you in any way. She just has novelty value at the moment.
When someone enters my sphere and I feel jealous of them, or negative about their connection with the other people in my life, I try to make friends with them. It sounds counterintuitive, but nine times out of ten, hanging out with them deflates the unhappy presence I’ve built up in my head, and makes me realise that they’re normal, and often nice. Before demanding that the sleepovers stop (as I’d be tempted to do), perhaps you could invite yourself along for breakfast. It might put your mind at rest.
More seriously, you have to talk to your boyfriend. When you’ve loved someone for a long time, you have to keep communicating as clearly as possible, because there’s a danger that you’ll assume you can read each other’s minds and get the facts wrong. You don’t need to impress him by saying you don’t care.
If anything, he’ll probably be really happy that, after all this time, you still acknowledge him as a person that other women fancy. I think that being honest with him will bring you closer together. If he dismisses you, along with your concerns, he’s the one in the wrong.
Ultimately this will affect your relationship because it’s important to you. I’m sure all will be well between you and your boyfriend, but not telling him what’s going on in your head will probably cause much more damage than a month of cinema dates and sleepovers. It sounds as though this has affected your confidence, and anything you can do to boost it will be good for your relationship. Maybe take a class, or see a movie on your own, or read a book you wouldn’t usually pick, so you have a surprising secret to share about yourself.
You could even spend a day on your own, luxuriating in the activities you usually do together, so he feels a pang of envy when you tell him that you just caught an exhibition and then had lunch at a Michelin starred restaurant.
You’re a team, but you need to feel good as individuals in order to be strong together. You’re smart enough to know that your hearts don’t always beat as one. I’m confident that you’ll find the strength to tell him that, regardless of his intentions, his actions are hurting your heart right now.
Wishing you all love and luck
Daisy XXX
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