Dear Daisy,
I've been living with my Mum and Dad for almost a year now - the plan was for me to save rent money so I could put it towards a house deposit. The thing is that even though I've been saving as much as I can, I'm such a long way from being able to afford a house in the area I'd need to live in to be close to work, and although my parents are great, I'm so frustrated and really, really miss feeling independent. I'm tempted to move out and rent again, just so I can get my old life back. And I feel that the goalposts just keep moving, and as soon as I've got some money together, house prices will just jump up again. Should I do what I really want to do, and rent? Or would that be a total waste of the year I spent living at home?
Em
Dear Em,
Moving back home is one of those things that seems like a good idea at the time. We’re always hearing one version of the story too. More Millennials than ever are moving in with their parents. It’s the Bank of Mum and Dad to the rescue! Twenty somethings are lazy and spoiled and still get their mothers to do their washing! I suspect that a few readers will be a little bit envious of the fact that you can live at home with parents who are happy to make space for you, and that you’ve been able to build up some savings, even if they’re not enough for a house deposit.
However, just because you’re in a situation that some people would love for themselves, it doesn’t mean that it’s right for you, or that it’s going to make you happy. That’s OK. You’re an adult, and independence is something you’re allowed to want. Many of us have great relationships with our parents but we can’t be around them for more than a few days without suddenly feeling as though we’re fourteen again. I moved back home for a few months when I was fired from my first job, and my Mum packed a lunchbox for me every morning, to take to work. It was such a sweet gesture but it really underlined the fact that I’d failed at my first adult hurdle. I wanted to be responsible for my own decisions, even if they were bad ones, like choosing having chips every day in the canteen.
Do you think that the situation would be more bearable if you were able to have a conversation with your parents about what isn’t working? It’s important that your relationship is reappraised from both sides, and although your Mum and Dad probably think they know you better than anyone, you need to ask them to treat you as the adult you’ve become, and not the child you used to be. Similarly, you need to make sure that you respect your parents as your grown up housemates. Really be honest - is there anything you do at home that would be unacceptable if you were sharing a flat with people you weren’t related to? If you’re forgetting to buy milk, or leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor, it’s going to be impossible to feel independent because you’re not behaving like an independent person. It’s an easy habit to get into, but if you can force yourself to get out of it you might find that the situation improves.
However, if you know that you’re trying your hardest and it’s still too hard to be happy at home, it’s OK to call it a day and move out. It’s one thing to put up with a difficult living situation when you have a clearly defined time frame, and an end goal in sight, but you don’t at the moment. If buying a house genuinely seems as though it’s out of reach for the foreseeable future, you need to reassess your situation and decide to move your goalposts closer to you. Do you have any financial goals that are unrelated to buying a house? If you haven’t done so already, it’s worth talking to an independent financial adviser and finding out how you can make your savings work harder for you. Even if you can’t save as much money when you move out and rent again, any savings will give you a platform to plan a future from.
If you do decide to move out, this year at home won’t have been a waste. You’ve learned about yourself, what you need and what makes you happy, as well as hopefully forging a new, adult relationship with your Mum and Dad. Life isn’t linear, and sometimes you’ll feel as though you’ve gone down a rabbit hole that doesn’t lead to a new level - you’ve just got stuck and need to climb out. But these experiences are some of the most useful, valid ones you’ll have. Months or years later, you’ll look back at what you’ve learned and realise that even when it seemed as though you were going backwards, you were learning something vital that helped you reach where you wanted to be.
Wishing you lots of love and luck.
Daisy XX
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