It wasn’t the Kardashians that invented the term ‘co-parenting’ but with the amount of free publicity that they’ve given it, they may as well have. All of the siblings with children (except Rob, but no one ever talks about Rob) describe themselves as 'co-parents' with their exes. In fact, being a good co-parent was a major part of Kourtney’s rebrand circa 2010, when she started expounding on the benefits of sugar and gluten-free diets, natural cleaning products and oil enemas.
It’s really telling to me that none of these women – Kourtney, Kim, Khloe or Kylie – describe themselves as single mums, when that’s what they all, ostensibly, are. Watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you are given the impression that to be a co-parent is to take the moral high road. And to a certain extent, it might be. After all, none of them (bar Kylie, perhaps) have an ‘easy’ history with their ex. Kourney’s ex Scott Disick was an alcoholic. Kanye has publicly struggled with his mental health, diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And Tristan Thompson cheated on Khloe multiple times, including when she was pregnant.
And while of course, I’ve no idea as to exactly how much involvement any of these men actually have in their children’s lives, I’d hazard a guess that it doesn’t equate to anywhere near the amount that their mothers do – thus putting the ‘co’ in co-parent, which implies an equal relationship of sorts. But to be a single mum is to be stigmatised variously as a tart or a victim. And that’s not something any of the Kardashians want to be seen as. It’s off-brand. Single mum = embarrassing and tragic. Co-parent = modern and cool.
To be a single mum is to be stigmatised variously as a tart or a victim.
I write this as someone who would love nothing more than to be a co-parent. But to describe the scenario that me and my ex have as co-parenting would be like saying that Ringo Starr wrote most of The Beatles’s biggest hits - he just doesn’t put in the same amount of work as I do.
The rise of co-parents coincides with the 2010s trend for amicable splits between celebrities, starting, of course, with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ in 2014. Ever since then, it’s been held up as a status symbol of sorts for couples who had children and are no longer together. Being a co-parent means that you are putting your children first. It’s a sign of how strong and healthy you are. Even the term implies that is seen as a vocation. You’re co-partners in parenting, just like you would be in a business.
And while undeniably this is a great thing for the children, there does seem to be a hint of snobbishness there. It’s a judgement on you as a parent. But why should it be that being a single mum makes you a less good parent than if you’re a co-parent? After all, it’s rarely a scenario that someone willingly chooses – for many of these women, doing it all alone is a burden, but abuse or circumstance means that they have no other choice.
There is a brilliant scene in the second series of Motherland that very succinctly makes my point. Amanda, the group’s snobbish Queen Bee, is newly separated from her husband. Liz, the sarky single mum played so brilliantly by Diane Morgan, welcomes her to single mum club (even quipping that they get a discount at Dorothy Perkins). 'I’m not a single mum Liz,' Amanda replies smugly, shooting Liz a pitying glance. 'I’m a co-parent, there’s a big difference.' 'You wait till he gets on Tinder; see how much of a co-parent he is then,' Liz claps back.
What this sketch encapsulates so brilliantly is that there is a classism to the idea of single parents vs. co-parents. Amanda, proudly upper middle class, would never see herself or her situation as in any way the same as Liz’s, because she sees Liz as beneath her. And it is a fact that the majority of single parents in the UK live in poverty. But when did this become something to turn our noses up at? The only reason that is the case is because society has made it almost impossible for them to succeed in life – whether that’s extortionate childcare, inflexible work hours or the unaffordability of housing.
A year doesn’t go by in which someone decides to do a study into why being raised by married parents or co-parents is better than being raised by a single parent. But what exactly are these studies supposed to be achieving, apart from just making single parents, the majority women, feel inadequate when in reality they are just doing their best with the hand life dealt them?