In a world of inspirational memes and #girlpost Instagram posts, it’s easy to forget that we all get stuck at work, or feel like we can’t find a way forward at times. Sue Unerman is the Chief Transformation Officer at MediaCom and Kathryn Jacob OBE is the Chief Executive at Pearl and Dean. Together they wrote The Glass Wall: Success Strategies For Women At Work And Businesses That Mean Business. Each week answer your work questions with pragmatic, honest advice that’s proven to work...
My company just hired someone I’ve already slept with – what do I do? It’s someone I met via a dating app a few months ago. We had four or five dates and then we mutually ghosted each other because the sex was great but the emotional connection wasn’t there. We work together in a small team, so it’s not like I can avoid him. I’ve been calling in sick and working from home, but that’s not a long-term coping mechanism.
KJ: Well, this is awkward. But on the plus side, at least the ghosting was mutual. Neither of you felt the connection. Even if it feels like a difficult situation now, imagine how much worse it would have been if it had been a one-sided separation. The mutuality of this is your basis for moving on. You’ve been there longer, you shouldn’t be the one that has to absent themselves from work. This person is the newbie, it is your turf, hold onto it.
SU: It feels awkward, because you have decided it is awkward. Why should it be? You are not at work to play dating games, you are at work to be professional. I would use this as an opportunity to heighten your professional aura. I would suggest that you make sure that you are there when they are there, but that you solely focus on the work at those times. This might even mean that you career gets a boost as your professionalism is ramped up visibly. For example, if there’s a situation which is full of banter about what everyone got up to at the weekend, which is an awkward thing for you with this person there, I would simply change the subject to talk about the business issues or the wider economy and swerve this intimacy. Frankly if they go gossipy, you should go business, all business.
KJ: You have already built a professional brand at your workplace so don’t feel threatened. It is only human to have a few subjects you would rather not discuss openly at work. Trust me, most situations burn out quite quickly and your embarrassment will be supplanted by other bits of gossip in time. As we say in our book The Glass Wall, success strategies for women at work and businesses that mean business, you should own situations rather than have them own you.
SU: We have a case study, don’t we, that refers to a woman who slept with someone and then found herself the subject of industry-wide gossip (do have a look, it will probably make you feel much better about your situation). Our advice generally in this situation is make it clear that it is no one’s business but your own, but if this isn’t possible then to brazen it out. In this particular case the brave woman actually went round saying to people: Well, did you hear what happened to me?’ This meant that she controlled the story rather than everyone else, and as Kathryn remarks that meant it blew over more rapidly than if she had behaved like a victim of the story. Basically though, this really isn’t anyone’s business. Your private life is your own, and I can guarantee you that most people are obsessed with their own situation not yours.
KJ: Everyone has a tendency to overthink and over-complicate emotional situations at work. It can be something that throws you off kilter. I am lucky I have Sue to help me in difficult situations and vice versa. Just think to yourself, what would my best friend tell me to do in this situation. I bet the advice would be ‘Forget it, put this behind you, it is not worth risking your job or your professional relationships over’. And remember the other party is in exactly the same situation. Take a deep breath and crack on.
SU: I definitely would not advise confiding in anyone else in your small team by the way. This creates a conspiratorial atmosphere where some are in on what is going on and others are not. If you have already told one person, you can bet that the word has spread behind your back. And if this is the case, make sure that you take back control and tell your version publicly. Although I would leave out the detail about the quality of the encounter. Just say: what a weird coincidence, there were a few dates, and then you both moved on. Small world, these things happen. And I would also recommend this if you think that the other person involved is using your experiences as fodder for getting ahead at work, becoming an insider at your expense. As they say, take back control. Preserve your professional veneer, and if you need to construct a new one, there’s lots of tips and tactics in the book for this too. Bear in mind that as we say in the book: ‘Trouble troubles women in a completely different way to how it troubles men.’ Stay strong, digging yourself out of this trouble may well be a path to your career regeneration.
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