‘Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.’ One of Nora Ephron’s most famous pieces of advice now seems all the wiser, given that she had no idea so many of us would be spending this spring living with our exes again, and under a Government- imposed lockdown. Because, if there is one way to truly test how amicable your divorce is, it’s being back under the same roof and not allowed out more than once a day.
Like so many of us – including Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, judging by their Instagram shots last week – I am currently taking that test. While the Willis/Moore dynamic is baffling (he has a wife and two small children elsewhere!), a co-habiting encore is the choice many parents have made in order to share the childcare, get their jobs done, and keep unnecessary travel to a minimum. There is a small army of co-parents gritting their teeth, doing heroically bright smiles and getting on with a life they have spent time away adapting from. I know of one WhatsApp group of five women solely discussing living with their exes.
On paper, it’s every couple’s worst nightmare, but I’ve surprised myself by finding it OK, perhaps even... something to be proud of. So what is making it work, and where are the pressure points?
My separation from my ex was genuinely not acrimonious, despite being a massive shock. My then-husband realised she had to take the decision to transition when our son was a few months old. Despite the pain at the time, it was not just the right but the only decision for us. And we’ve made it work. But nothing holds up a mirror to what equal co-parenting is like quite as effectively as living as a family again. Our son is nearly three – too young to be left alone with homework or a screen, but too old for the blissful peace of nap times during the day. This leaves nowhere to hide, particularly as we each are still working full-time: there is a lot of attention needed from both of us.
On the one hand, niggling habits I hadforgotten about are part of my daily life again, and our flat now feels desperately small. I want to leave my laptop out when I’m busy! To use the bathroom when I feel like it! And to watch whatever suits me! But, on the other hand, our home is significantly more clean and tidy than it has been for a couple of years, and that was certainly not my doing. When I cook, the washing up just... gets done.
I’m proud to realise how hard I was working, but also thrilled to see how great the relationship my ex has with our son is.
The change in division of time and attention has been illuminating. I’ve had two years of being woken at dawn by an excited toddler, but now he often clambers out of bed and finds his other parent while I slowly make coffee, with ankles unpestered. Potty training, which I was dreading, took barely a week with two parents on hand and nowhere to go. And, for the first time in two years, I fall asleep deeper, knowing I’m not the only adult who might get up if the cries begin.
I feel lucky – enough time has passed for our relationship to transform into something unrecognisable from the marriage we had. I’m proud to realise how hard I was working, but also thrilled to see how great the relationship my ex has with our son is. Yes, I’m looking forward to time alone, but I’m also profoundly aware that I wouldn’t be coping if I had it now. My heart goes out to those mid-divorce, or on the precipice of a break-up. Know this: freedom will taste all the sweeter for you once lockdown is over.