The festive season is supposed to be all mistletoe kisses and hot office party hook ups, right? But what about when it doesn’t quite go to plan? We’ve gathered your funniest seasonal sex stories, for a little bit of what-not-to-do inspiration.
Ding Dong Merrily On High
‘I’d been dating this guy for a while, well I say dating, it was more of a situationship so I wasn’t really sure what to do re Christmas presents. We definitely weren’t at the proper gifts stage but my love language is gifting, I really enjoy buying presents and I wanted to get him something. Anyway we’d had a sort of running joke for ages about me buying a strap-on so I thought why not take the plunge and get one for Xmas. I thought it would make him smile if nothing else. I looked for the funniest named one I could find- finally settling on one called ‘The Everlasting Dong’. Put the order in and forgot all about it.
About a week later I got a text from my mum saying a parcel had arrived for me, I had no idea what it was so asked her to open it. Minutes later she sent me a photo of ‘The Everlasting Dong’ in all its glossy black eight-inch glory sitting on her kitchen table with the caption ‘Was this meant for me?’. In fairness to me I’d recently moved out and I’d forgotten that the company I’d ordered it from was still registered to my family home so it auto sent there. Sadly me and the guy split up before I had a chance to give it to him.’
My true love gave to me….a mince pie nipple pastie….
I met someone on an ap who was based in my home-town. I was planning on being back there for a few weeks over Christmas so wanted to line up some hot festive sex. With a couple of weeks to go before we’d meet in-person we’d done a lot of steamy Facetiming and phone sex and I wanted to take things up a notch. So, I suggested making him a sexy advent calendar where I’d send a different sexy pic every day of December. It started really well, posing in nothing more than a Santa hat or wrapping myself up naked in a bow but mid-way through December and I’d seriously lost inspiration. I can only imagine it’s how my friends with kids feel about Elf On A Shelf, I just couldn’t think of any new ideas. What started as a super sexy challenge soon become farcical as I got more and more desperate. Fashioning two empty mince pie cases into pointy nipple covers was a particular low point and definitely don’t ask me what happens when you try to use tinsel as a thong…..
When Santa Got Stuck….
A few years ago me and my husband were having Christmas just the two of us. With no in-laws to have to worry about we decided to have a grown-up sexy Christmas which meant I was going to kick start Christmas Eve as a sexy Mrs Claus in a skin-tight red and white latex costume and matching latex thigh high boots. Come Christmas Eve and fuelled by a few glasses of champagne I got ready and put it on. He absolutely loved it and all was going well until we came to remove it and I was stuck fast. After some frantic googling I realised I hadn’t read the instructions that came with the outfit and had not as advised added talcum powder or lubricant before putting it on and as I’d got hot and sweaty it had stuck to my skin and wasn’t budging. We tried everything to get it off, but nothing worked and it was really painful. In the end we had to go to A&E where they had to remove it for me and treat the burns and chafing it had caused to my skin.
Midnight Mess
Me and my friends always go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve after a few (a lot) of drinks in the pub beforehand. Last year was the first time I’d taken my boyfriend home for Christmas so I was excited to take him on our traditional pub crawl, for him to meet all my friends and then to feel all romantic as we sang carols by candlelight in my local church. I ended up getting completely smashed and feeling really horny and on arrival at church dragged him into a side room with the idea that it would be all sexy and forbidden for us to have sex in there. Plus, massive Fleabag vibes right? He wasn’t quite as into the idea (or quite as drunk as me) but I managed to persuade him and we started undressing and kissing. Problem was it was like all churches, absolutely freezing and once the cold sobered me up I realised it was also some kind of store-room presumably for a jumble sale and it absolutely stank of unwashed clothes. We both realised we’d be far better waiting til we got home so had to emerge sheepishly, pretending we were looking for a loo.
Home not Alone
About five years ago I was dating someone very intensely in the build-up to the festive season. As we hit Christmas, we were both obliged to spend more time, and of course the big day itself, with our families. Our busy diaries meant that we only had one overlapping evening where she was back from being away for Christmas, before I went skiing for New Year.
I was living at my family home at the time but travelled into London for our date, we soaked up some of the festive atmosphere then headed for dinner and a considerable amount of drinks. At about 10pm, I needed to make my way to the station to get the train home before my 6am flight the following morning.
She offered to come to the station with me, and as we were stood on the platform, we made a *slightly* mulled wine fuelled decision for her to come back to my family home with me. Perhaps not the wisest call given I wasn’t fully out, none of my family had met this girl and I had to be up at 3am for a flight….
Fortunately when we arrived back to mine, everyone was having a sensibly early night so we headed straight upstairs. After about two hours of sleep, my alarm goes off, shortly followed by the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. We both lie very still as she pulls the duvet over her head and my mum opens my bedroom door to check I’m awake. Close call, but I think the bleary early start meant mum was none the wiser.
My family and I then head off to the airport, leaving my bed guest fast asleep upstairs in my room, I’d told her just to leave whenever she woke up and there’d be no one to disturb her so to sleep as long as she wanted. However in my no-sleep, still drunk state I totally forgot my parents would have set the house alarm and that as soon as she got up she’d trigger it.
A few hours later, at the airport our neighbour rings in a panic to say our alarm is going off and should she call the police? Fortunately, after a bit of convincing (and a panicked call in the toilets to my date) I persuaded my mum it must just be due to a fault in the system…not because I had been sneaking around like a teenager.
Come All Ye Faithful
Every couple of Christmases me and my siblings all end up at our parents, the three of us have partners and kids so it’s a lot of juggling but we try to make it happen so we’re all there at once. It can be a bit of a tight squeeze with people sleeping everywhere and not much room for privacy but as it’s only a few nights everyone makes do. Apart from my brother-in-law… One Christmas Day evening he’d been using his phone to play music over my parents Sonos speaker when he disappeared to the loo for a while. The music was still playing so we didn’t realise he’d gone until we suddenly heard loud groaning and panting and the sound of slapping flesh. I saw the horror cross everyone’s face as we all clocked what was going on and hurriedly tried to switch off the speaker before the kids noticed. He’d sneaked off to the toilet to watch porn not realising he was still broadcasting to the sitting room! My sister was absolutely furious but we all found it hilarious and still tease him about it now.
On the naughty list
Sex coach, Rebecca Dakin of www.thegreatbritishsexpert.co.uk explains how and why Christmas is a good time of the year to role play and experiment- as long as you avoid the mishaps above….
‘One couple I worked with wanted to spice their sex life up however found talking about sex and their desires daunting. They were stuck in a rut with missionary position and sex was becoming boring. It was coming up to Christmas so I thought for a bit of fun they could use the naughty Christmas elves as props. For the whole of December they would take it in turns to each pose the elves into a new sex position to try. By the time it got to Christmas they had many new positions in their repertoire and to top it off they had a lot of fun. Ironically after all of the variety and acrobatics they settled on a new favourite, in the end it was a version of missionary, the spread eagle!
Another older couple came to me wanting to discuss fantasies and how to implement them into their sex life. It turns out that she had been harbouring a fantasy for years that she hadn’t shared for fear of judgment and embarrassment. When their kids were younger he would dress as Santa and come and ‘visit’ to check the kids were behaving before the big day. It turns out that she had been too embarrassed to admit that seeing him dressed up like that had made her feel very turned on. I encouraged them to explore playing out the fantasy of her seducing Santa. It’s now a role play they use whenever they fancy some festive frolics. He’s even grown his beard and started to embrace the Santa look day to day!’