Like every other day of my teenage life, Year 11 prom was unbearably awkward. This is largely because a hairdresser gave me an up-do that could only be described as ‘dressage horse’. But, it’s also because – well – how many 16-year-olds do you know who’d rather be sat in a conference room with their least favourite teachers, than down the park with a litre of WKD?
While I was (and still am) a big fan of WKD, I wholeheartedly went along with the whole prom shebang. After years of watching American teen movies and TV shows, I was sold on the idea that I’d arrive at our local Holiday Inn and walk straight on to the set of The OC.
‘Gosh, doesn’t Kate look slammin’ in that ruched Jane Norman dress?’ I imagined people would whisper, as I wove my way past the waiters carrying canapés and the incredible ice sculptures. ‘Those faux-Swarovski earrings sure are glamorous.’
Then I’d be named prom queen, and break up my tiara, and make a speech about everyone in the school being equal.
Unsurprisingly, none of that happened. There were no ice sculptures or dramatic speeches, except the one my headteacher gave, comparing our year group to two mice in bucket of milk. (Spoiler: one gives up and dies, the other turns it to cheese by swimming.)
British people just aren’t very good at pretending stupid things are magical and important, so our proms are never going to be teen-movie-amazing. Here are the differences between teen drama formals and IRL British proms.
The big arrival
Blame Chuck Bass. Blame Super Sweet 16. By the time my prom rolled around, everyone in school was calling up limo hire companies to demand a hummer for them and 16 friends. My pals and I spent a glamorous 30 minutes getting driven around Warrington town centre in a pink stretch. We waved at shoppers in the retail park and skipped through the driver’s Ibiza Anthems albums, trying to find a song with words. It was not the Champagne-sipping erotic experience Gossip Girl had promised me. I think we even got told off for poking our head out of the roof, which is surely the only reason you’d ever want to travel by limo.
The amazing theme
The OC’s prom was incredible: Marissa was still alive, the soundtrack featured a sinister rework of J-Kwon’s Tipsy and Seth Cohen was there, being a babe. Most importantly though, the event had an insane pirate theme. There were tankards, sparkling lights, a genuine pirate ship and pirates with eye-patches.
Over at my prom, we had a ‘Hollywood-inspired’ event, which translated into a two-metre high illustration of Elijah Wood’s face, drawn with the kind of eyes that will haunt your nightmares forever.
The Prom Queen being actually a big deal
Let’s all take a minute to remember the moment when Cady Heron wins Spring Fling Queen in Mean Girls. Regina George is piiisssed off. The crowd’s excited/angry. IT’S A BIG DEAL. But we Brits are less convinced by the whole ‘clique’ thing, we’re more comfortable with attendance awards and Class Clown prizes. When my school’s Prom King and Queen were announced, everyone was like ‘Meh, kinda expected that’ and then got on with their life. We also had prizes for ‘Male and Female Rear of the Year’, which in hindsight was kinda creepy.
The hot date
Not only does Julia Stiles get to take Heath Ledger to prom in 10 Things I Hate About you, he also gets her favourite band turn up to perform. HAHAHAHAHA.
Firstly, no lad looks fit in the official prom uniform of slightly-too-large Burton suit and pink satin tie. And, let’s be real here, you were lucky if your date showed up on time for prom let alone got a band to play.
The ‘everyone trying to lose their virginity’ thing
God bless, Britney Spears. The opening scenes of Crossroads show her about to lose her virginity to her childhood friend after prom because, in teen movie world, there’s nothing more important than having a beautiful prom night sex session with rose petals on the bed and a hymen.
I don’t know anyone who planned to lose their virginity on prom night. People were either sexually active, or just hadn’t done it yet and that was totally OK. Plus, I’m not sure about you, but sitting down to eat a meze of Iceland party food with the history faculty didn’t really get me in the mood for love.
The dancing
She’s All That promised me that Usher was going to DJ my prom and that everyone was going to instinctively be able to perform a choreographed dance routine. I felt very let down when this didn’t happen. Our entertainment was courtesy of the PE staff performing as a swing band, so the only person who actually danced was a teacher who got pissed and tried to do the worm while we stood in a circle chanting his name. He emailed around an apology the next day.
The after-party
While our prom aftermath might not have been like the after-party in American Pie, we Brits will always be better at both getting pissed and taking the piss out of things than Americans. So yeah, everyone from my school got taxis into town after the big P-ROM. And yeah, our teachers had warned every club that we’d be coming so we didn’t get in anywhere. But, that just gave us more time for WKDS in the park and bitching about the night. Ideal really.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.