7AM : NYC: MY GOLDEN PENTHOUSE
Urgh. Exceptionally bad start
Hungover. Very little sleep had after cocktail tweeting session at 3AM. The cocktails were non-alcoholic but mega calorific. Am worried that I won’t fit into my sexy black suit for the ceremony.
What I drank
1 x Virgin Mary (naughty and mother wouldn’t approve) 300 cals
2 x Pussy Grabbers (old school blend) 1,000 cals
9 AM
As today is the start of my new life I shall make some resolutions
I WILL NOT
Fall for any of following: progressives, snowflakes, SJW's, feminists, people with wives, emotional fuckwits or fellow perverts
I WILL NOT
Waste money on: unaffordable health care , tax , planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear !
Allow my twitter feed to rage out of control !
Spent time thinking about emotionally unavailable men like Putin
9.15 AM
Mmmmm. Vladimir Putin, though. Love his wicked dissolute air, while being v. successful & clever. Will deffo wear sexy black suit today
10 AM
I WILL
Stay calm and maintain dignified Ice Queen stance
10.30 AM
AGHHHHHHHH
Why oh why am I so unattractive? I hate inauguration. I hate everybody. Except Putin
11.30 AM
Daily phone call to Pence. Best friend. Is currently being sworn in so not answering his phone! Bugger! Bugger!
NOON : CAPITOL BUILDING FRONT STEPS
I was sworn in! Said a lot of HUGE business-y words like SOLEMNLY & CONSTITUTION. Also mentioned god which I feel bad about as last time I was in any way religious was at Uncle Jeffrey’s Vicars & Tarts party.
12.10 PM
Gave my first speech as super important and popular POTUS!!! Told America how tremendous I was and how many jobs I plan to create by being tremendous!! I am a top business woman and I DO NOT need a man to complete me
12.40 PM
I escorted Obama & Biden to their departure point. Bye saddo losers! Hah! Let’s see who is the boss now shall we? Am super successful, independent business woman and sex goddess now!
1 PM
Lunch with congressional leaders. Here is what I ate in full
3 x Taco Bowls made by Trump staff * Delicious but v.calorific = 2,500 cals
1 x KFC . Eaten with a knife & fork = 750 cals
1 x Leopard Burger. Eric went hunting last week. Surprisingly lean = 400 cals
3 x Big Gulp full fat Cola = death calories
Weight 16 st 2 - terrifying slide into obesity….why? why?
*I love Hispanics!
2 PM
I lead the parade down Pennsylvania avenue to White House felt like a super attractive beauty queen!
LATE AFTERNOON
In the White House. It’s v. minimalist. Hate it. Not even so much as a Golden Shower Head. Will redecorate ASAP as I have excellent taste! Maybe something from LL Bean?
6 PM
Getting ready for ball. Wish I had just even 5 minutes to myself!! Ivanka & Tiffany arguing over hair styles and dress budgets. Can’t find my huge ‘holding in’ underwear. Sod it! Maybe this is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers!
7 PM
Inauguration Ball
Line up was as follows
Vlad reciting a limerick about a young woman from Ealing. Poor taste really, he is such a fiend
Rockettes - Only 3 of them showed up, I think others were sick
Bruce Springsteen Tribute , Tribute Band - The G Street Band
Jackie Evancho - I think she is Hispanic or Native American*
Angela’s dad speech - A real tear jerker from ‘The Champ. HUGE FAN
Toby Keith & Three Doors Down ! - Me neither
17 hours of military bands
*Her name sounded exotic
MIDNIGHT
Carriages. I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN !
On another note Inauguration Day is purely commercial, cynical enterprise. Matter of supreme indifference to me!
That said I am tremendous.
*Tiff Stevenson is on tour from now until 5th May, including two shows at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre on 24th & 25th February. Click here for more information. *
** Follow Bridget Trump on Twitter @BRIDGETTRUMPSD1?**
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.