Bridget Trump’s Diary: Inauguration Day

9.15 AM: 'Mmmmm. Vladimir Putin, though. Love his wicked dissolute air, while being v. successful & clever. Will deffo wear sexy black suit today'

Bridget Trump's Diary: Inauguration Day

by Tiff Stevenson |
Published on

7AM : NYC: MY GOLDEN PENTHOUSE

Urgh. Exceptionally bad start

Hungover. Very little sleep had after cocktail tweeting session at 3AM. The cocktails were non-alcoholic but mega calorific. Am worried that I won’t fit into my sexy black suit for the ceremony.

What I drank

1 x Virgin Mary (naughty and mother wouldn’t approve) 300 cals

2 x Pussy Grabbers (old school blend) 1,000 cals

9 AM

As today is the start of my new life I shall make some resolutions

I WILL NOT

Fall for any of following: progressives, snowflakes, SJW's, feminists, people with wives, emotional fuckwits or fellow perverts

I WILL NOT

Waste money on: unaffordable health care , tax , planned parenthood, moving to Washington or exotic underwear !

Allow my twitter feed to rage out of control !

Spent time thinking about emotionally unavailable men like Putin

9.15 AM

Mmmmm. Vladimir Putin, though. Love his wicked dissolute air, while being v. successful & clever. Will deffo wear sexy black suit today

10 AM

I WILL

Stay calm and maintain dignified Ice Queen stance

10.30 AM

AGHHHHHHHH

Why oh why am I so unattractive? I hate inauguration. I hate everybody. Except Putin

11.30 AM

Daily phone call to Pence. Best friend. Is currently being sworn in so not answering his phone! Bugger! Bugger!

NOON : CAPITOL BUILDING FRONT STEPS

I was sworn in! Said a lot of HUGE business-y words like SOLEMNLY & CONSTITUTION. Also mentioned god which I feel bad about as last time I was in any way religious was at Uncle Jeffrey’s Vicars & Tarts party.

12.10 PM

Gave my first speech as super important and popular POTUS!!! Told America how tremendous I was and how many jobs I plan to create by being tremendous!! I am a top business woman and I DO NOT need a man to complete me

12.40 PM

I escorted Obama & Biden to their departure point. Bye saddo losers! Hah! Let’s see who is the boss now shall we? Am super successful, independent business woman and sex goddess now!

1 PM

Lunch with congressional leaders. Here is what I ate in full

3 x Taco Bowls made by Trump staff * Delicious but v.calorific = 2,500 cals

1 x KFC . Eaten with a knife & fork = 750 cals

1 x Leopard Burger. Eric went hunting last week. Surprisingly lean = 400 cals

3 x Big Gulp full fat Cola = death calories

Weight 16 st 2 - terrifying slide into obesity….why? why?

*I love Hispanics!

2 PM

I lead the parade down Pennsylvania avenue to White House felt like a super attractive beauty queen!

LATE AFTERNOON

In the White House. It’s v. minimalist. Hate it. Not even so much as a Golden Shower Head. Will redecorate ASAP as I have excellent taste! Maybe something from LL Bean?

6 PM

Getting ready for ball. Wish I had just even 5 minutes to myself!! Ivanka & Tiffany arguing over hair styles and dress budgets. Can’t find my huge ‘holding in’ underwear. Sod it! Maybe this is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers!

7 PM

Inauguration Ball

Line up was as follows

Vlad reciting a limerick about a young woman from Ealing. Poor taste really, he is such a fiend

Rockettes - Only 3 of them showed up, I think others were sick

Bruce Springsteen Tribute , Tribute Band - The G Street Band

Jackie Evancho - I think she is Hispanic or Native American*

Angela’s dad speech - A real tear jerker from ‘The Champ. HUGE FAN

Toby Keith & Three Doors Down ! - Me neither

17 hours of military bands

*Her name sounded exotic

MIDNIGHT

Carriages. I MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN !

On another note Inauguration Day is purely commercial, cynical enterprise. Matter of supreme indifference to me!


That said I am tremendous.

*Tiff Stevenson is on tour from now until 5th May, including two shows at London’s Bloomsbury Theatre on 24th & 25th February. Click here for more information. *

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Follow Bridget Trump on Twitter @BRIDGETTRUMPSD1?**

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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