So, apparently, the amount consumed by the average Brit on the first day of an all-inclusive holiday is 5,756 calories – compared to the recommended daily intake of 2,000 calories. Of course it is – it’s basically like spending a week at an all-you-can-eat buffet, only with booze included. Why wouldn’t you go mental?
Especially on the first day when you’re drunk on the smell of sun tan lotion, and the tantilising prospect that you don’t need to get your purse out for seven whole days. Later in the week, the house spirits might start to lose their allure, but some aspects of an all-inclusive holiday never change…
**Breakfast is sacrosanct **
You might be so hungover that you can’t move your head, you may have only had two hours sleep, but you never, ever miss the breakfast buffet. That time you ran into the restaurant at 10.02, only to be turned away was one of the single most depressing moments of your life. No matter how restrained you try to be, you will only ever eat 50% of what you put on your plate.
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**90% of those extra calories probably came from poolside cocktails **
When else are going to drink your own body weight in Pina Colada? And do you know what’s in a Pina Colada (apart from a thimbleful of house rum)? Your own body weight in coconut cream. You have to drink seven to get even remotely pissed, by which point you feel so sick, all you can do is lie prone on a lilo in the pool, occasionally doing a tiny coconutty burp and vowing never to touch a maraschino cherry again. Which brings us to…
**Lunchtime drinking seems like a fantastic idea. Until it isn’t **
A bottle of white wine with your lunchtime club sandwich? In your white kaftan, wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses, you could almost be a 1950s starlet in the Hamptons. Except she wouldn’t be drinking the house Chardonnay – the only wine available without paying an extra supplement. She also wouldn’t neglect to drink any water, pass out in the sun for four hours, waking briefly to order a beer and eat some chips, before retiring to her hotel room. At 6pm, with mild sunstroke.
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**You need nerves of steal to sneak all the food you’ve been stashing in your beach bag off the resort premises **
Hey, here’s a great idea: why don’t you leave the pool for a day and get the bus to that remote, idyllic cove you’ve been reading about in your guide book? Obviously, there’s no point doing all-inclusive if you’re going to spend £15 on lunch, so it’s time to hit the breakfast buffet. A bread roll, a couple of slices of ham and an apple will make a lovely lunch, and you won’t have spent a penny.
Discretion is key here – if the waitress gets wise to your scheme, you’ll be marched straight back to the buffet to return the offending items.
Despite your vow to try out everything on the menu, you quickly become a creature of habit…
You don’t know what they put in the pasta of the day (crack?), but find yourself bypassing the fresh seafood and amazing-looking local dishes every evening for a bowl of what is clearly pasta in shop-bought tomato sauce and a half-hearted sprinkling of parmesan.
Follow Rebecca on Twitter @rebecca_hol
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Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.