If you’re a single lady, you’ve almost definitely experienced the living hell that is going on a date with someone from Tinder. It’s a minefield; will they look like their picture? (Probably not.) Will you have anything in common? (Again, probably not.) Will they turn out to be a total weirdo douchebag? (Almost certainly.)
Today though, Reddit users are getting their own back by sharing their worst Tinder date stories on this thread. The results will almost certainly make you feel like you’ve dodged a bullet and, possibly, encourage you to get off your phone and head back to meeting people in the real world. Maybe.
Here are our favourites.
This Tinder guy, who knows what’s up
‘Perfectly nice date, 20 minutes in to it, she says, “I’ll be honest. I know what I need in a man, and you don’t have it.” At 25, I would have been crushed. Wondering what ‘it’ was would’ve kept me up for days. Being 35, I thanked her for being blunt and was happy to have an unexpectedly free evening.’
This total wankjob
‘Went to coffee with a pretty good prospect, he was pretty nice, just graduated with a mathematics degree from Rice, good job, so no worries. We had been talking for a few minutes when out of nowhere this weird look overtakes his face and he looks me dead in the eyes and says: “You know, if you lost at least 40 pounds, actually cared about your appearance, and learned how to contour all of the extra fat out of your face with make-up every morning you could definitely boost your rating from a 7 to a solid 8, 8.5 if you grew out your hair.” Sat there for a few minutes in shock while he continued on about his philosophical beliefs for no bullshit up front and truly wanting to help me, got up and started to walk out and he looks at me and asks: “Soooo, no blow job?”’
This guy, who took 8 Mile a little bit too seriously
‘He made me watch his homemade rap videos and tried to like his own FB page on my phone.’
This girl, who needs to not date. Ever.
‘Her profile said she was 19, and she was really, really fucking hot. So I was pretty interested. We, text, talk on the phone, she does cutesie kinda immature stuff, but I blow it off, thinking she’s just awkward at flirting. One night, we’re texting and she starts sending me pictures. You know the kind, sharpies were involved.....so, now, I’m extremely interested in meeting up. She agrees, but on one condition, no condom. I’m curious about her medical history, I try to stay clean despite being a filthy man whore, so I ask when she last got tested. Oh, I haven’t been to the doctor in a couple years, she says. So I inquire how she has birth control, and of course she doesn’t. Turns out, she saw that I was a single dad, and just assumed I would be ok with siring another child. She was wrong. She got extremely upset, and originally begged me to reconsider, that she needed a child in her life. When I remained unwilling, she dropped the bombshell. She was 17 and more than willing to go to the cops about the pictures I had on my phone, if I didn’t give her a baby. Delete, delete, delete every fucking thing and block her left right and immediately. I don’t have a tinder anymore.’
This girl, who’s got at least one bunny boiling incident somewhere in her history
‘We went on three dates. The next time she asked to see me, I told her I was visiting family and wouldn’t be available until the following weekend. In that moment, she freaked out and sent me a 7 page long text about how I destroyed what could have been a perfect relationship and that she wanted to marry me still if I would just put her first. She then left me a voicemail of her singing U Got It Bad by Usher while crying and saying she loved me over and over. Two days later she sent me pictures of her burning a bucket list she had made for us. Glad I got out of that one unscathed.’
This guy, who might have been the wrong person?
‘Met up for a coffee after having quite a nice chat over tinder for a few days. He sits down and says “hey nice to meet you”, then continues to pull out his laptop and sit there in complete silence for the next hour. I had nothing with me but my phone, since I thought coffee date means conversation. Should’ve left sooner.’
This guy, who learned the hard way how STDs are transmitted
‘Went to see fifty shades of grey, got a blowy in the parking lot, got caught by a security guard on a segway.... ended up with chlamydia........ I no longer tinder.
EDIT: I didn’t know that you could contract it that way either yet a trip to the clinic proved it to me.’
This Tinder girl, who definitely didn’t deserve this
‘I watched a guy’s cat die. On our first date.’
This girl, who made a lucky escape
‘Met one charmer after talking for a few weeks. After agreeing to meet at a nearby coffee shop, I show up right on time. Ten minutes later I get a text from him to “come outside”. Seems sketchy but there’s people about, so why not? I stand directly in front and he appears out of nowhere in a hoodie. We walk a bit before he asks me to walk down a darkly-lit street. I say I’m uncomfortable and he immediately starts waking away. I assume he’s joking and call him only to hear him screaming at me on the other end. He sends me a text a couple of days later insulting my hair and telling me to “suck my big dick you negress bitch.”’
This guy, who’s date didn’t respect his porch toad
‘I used it, I’m a fat ugly bastard, I matched with a girl who wasn’t too shabby looking, texted for a few days until we were both off. I picked her up, she was very cute, went to dinner at a Japanese steak house and had a good time, drank some sake. She suggested we go back to my place (woo!)
We stop by her apartment to get her car and she wants to get clothes. She follows me to my house and we make out in my driveway for a few and start to move towards the house. I’m excited, gunna get laid and all yessir, been a while.
So we are on my front porch and she goes “eew, what’s that” and points to this baseball-sized toad that hangs out on my porch, this is his 2nd year there. Anyways, I explain he is cool and I knock beetles off my porch light for it to eat and stuff she walks over to him, looks at me, like intense eye contact and proceeded to slowly stomp on my toad.
Now at this point I was experiencing several emotions, shock, anger, rage. I shouted at her “wtf, why’d you do that” to which she replied “I wanted to make you mad so you’d Fuck me hard”. I was speechless while I processed what I had just witnessed. I told her to get the Fuck of my property, she flips out, we yell back and forth, I sprayed her with the hose and she finally leaves only to show up 20 min later topless on my deck in the back yard. She had walked from down the road and pulled like 6 pickets down from my fence to get in the back yard.
Cops came, she cried her way out of trouble with them and left.
Tl;dr fat ugly bastard, solid 8 tinderella, night of hibachi, sake, otphj, she stomped my porch toad, cops come, girl cries, gets let off.’
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
‘Hands-Free Tinder’ Swipes Left Or Right Based On Your Heart Rate
What Happens When You Try Lesbian Tindering In A Muslim Country
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
Picture: Marina Esmeraldo
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.