I’ve got beef with Barak Obama. Some serious Angus burger, double whopper style beef. Obama and I are not okay.
Ever heard of the show Parts Unknown? It’s pretty big over in the States and the jist is that world-famous chef Anthony Bourdain travels the world, uncovering unknown parts (geddit?) and exploring the food and culture in said unknown locations. It’s pretty popular.
So popular that it even attracted an appearance from none other than the President of the United States. In the season premiere, Bourdain and Obama ended up in Hanoi, Vietnam. Funnily enough though, the bit that really caught attention was not Obama’s strikingly efficient ability to eat noodles with chopsticks, but rather a conversation about hot dog etiquette.
Bourdain asked the President whether or not ketchup on a hot dog is ever acceptable. Now, you’re probably thinking ‘Okay Bourdain, that’s a simple enough question. Needless, sure. But innocent I guess.’
Obama replied to Bourdain’s query and said: ‘No. I mean that. That’s one of those things — let me put it this way, it’s not acceptable past the age of eight.’
Erm, sorry what? What was that Obama? No. Not having it. Not. Oh. Kay. And I’ll tell you for why.
Ketchup goes with almost most things
First things first, ketchup isn’t for all occasions. I acknowledge that fact. I wouldn’t dare throw a sideways glance towards a bottle of Heinz as I sit down to my roast dinner. No, no. But there are certain occasions, special occasions, that literally cry out for a hearty smothering of the red stuff.
Take the humble barbeque for example. No barbeque is complete without a generous assortment of condiments, with Ketchup front and centre (obvs). And what sort of food is typically served at a barbeque? You’ve got your burgers, some chicken, maybe even those minted lamb kebabs if you’re really fancy.
Oh, and what else? Hot dogs. Hot dogs crying out to be served with a carefully drawn yet still slightly wobbly line of ketchup, Obama.
No one actually likes mustard
Mustard is not something you 'like'. It’s got no likability. If it were an X Factor contestant it would not please Louis Walsh.
And if you’re thinking that actually, you normally like mustard with your sausage in a bun, I’m sorry but ketchup still wins. I’m telling you now, if you ever accidently find a smidge of mustard on your finger after trying to pop the lid back on, there’s no way you’re licking that shit off.
The age of eight? Don’t be silly
In the episode poor old Bourdain told Obama: ‘My daughter’s eight and she put ketchup on eggs the other day, and I didn’t know what good parenting called for at this point.’ To which Obama replied: ‘An intervention. I think you just got to say, you know what, this is not acceptable.’
Eggs are tricky territory when it comes to sauce. In my opinion if your egg is cooked correctly (i.e poached or fried sunny side up, runny yolk but not milky with a cheeky sprinkling of sea salt, thanks) you shouldn’t really need any extra sauce action. But I can understand why people would be driven down that path. What I don’t understand though, is this whole ‘age of eight’ nonsense.
Since when was eight years old the cut off for ketchup, huh? Where does that leave my box of 20 McNuggets? Where does that leave us, Obama? Point me in the direction of a fully-fledged adult who feels like it’s wrong to enhance one’s meal with a bit of ketchup, I dare you.
You can’t just make this stuff up, Obama. You were once one of my favourite people. You’re pretty lol and your relationship with Michelle is literally everything. You’ve had some great ideas in the past, said many a wise word. But this? This won’t do.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.