‘What kind of friend are you?’ This was the innocuous question that thousands of Twitter users were answering last week, with responses including ‘the one who defends you in public but corrects you in private’, ‘the one that always answers people in the group chat so they’re not ignored’, and the ultimate in friendship goals: ‘the one who always gets you extra sauce.’
But there was one answer that went viral and struck a chord with more than half a million people. That tweet, from a designer in Chicago who goes by @queentrashcan, spoke about being ‘the background friend.’ ‘I don’t fit in with any particular group of friends,’ she wrote. ‘They are all closer with each other. I think about all these people constantly but I don’t think I cross their minds often. I have maybe 3 or 4 friends who consistently check up, but they’re individuals. I don’t have a “squad” or a group of homies to kick it with. I have me and that’s practically it.’
Her honesty was ‘liked’ more than 526,000 times, with thousands admitting they could relate to being a background friend in their social groups. ‘You’ve literally read my mind,’ wrote one. ‘I feel so content knowing I’m not alone.’ Another said: ‘This is me. I have some friends who hit me up for certain events, but never just to hang around or grab lunch.’
Anyone who has ever been a ‘background friend’ - and judging by Twitter there are millions of us - will know just how this feels. I felt this way for most of my teens and early 20s with my friendship groups from school and university. With 15 to 20 of us together, the groups were so large that I never felt I was a core member; sometimes it was hard just trying to capture everyone’s attention.
It didn’t help that I often left London to live abroad and travel. I missed big events like hen dos, but I also missed the spontaneous Saturday night takeaways. While the group all became closer and relied on each other for emotional support, I ended up on the periphery. I’d always get an invite to birthdays, but I didn’t get the in-jokes on WhatsApp.
I used to feel awful about being a ‘background friend’; like many on Twitter, I internalised it and felt like it was my fault. But in recent years, I’m starting to realise it’s just the way I am. I’m not cut out to be a squad leader Taylor Swift-style, and I find it hard to be heard in groups with domineering personalities. On the flipside, I love spending time with people one-on-one, and I’m good at making new friends wherever I go, meaning I have the most amazing friends scattered around the world.
Increasingly I accept that being a background friend just says more about particular friendship dynamics than my own personality - and in some cases, it might mean I have to look elsewhere for the support and reciprocity I want. It also means that I have the freedom to flit between people without letting anyone down and I have space in my life to keep creating new connections.
These days, even if I'm in the background sometimes, I know I’m at the forefront when it counts – and there’s no friend I wouldn’t get extra sauce for.