B&Q Order Employees To Read Fifty Shades Due To Increase In Rope Sales

We feel for B&Q employees right now


by Stevie Martin |
Published on

If you haven’t seen the Fifty Shades Of Grey teaser, where Christian Grey buys cable ties and rope from a trembling (yawn) Anastasia, then watch it below, and pity B&Q workers. Because they’re all being told to read the book ahead of expected surges in sales, as couples who have no palpable sexual chemistry with their partners decide to go all Grey.

Sorry, buy cable ties and rope.

A leaked memo tells staff to ‘expect potentially sensitive questions’ about ‘rope, cable ties and masking or duck tape’, as people try ‘to recreate their own Fifty Shades experiences’.

Good lord. Copies of EL James’s BDSM bonkbuster will be distributed to all stores, with employees able to borrow them on a ‘one weekly basis’.

The memo also states: ‘As the UK’s leading DIY store we stock many of the products featured in this notable scene and then used later in the film. When the book was released in 2012 DIY and hardware stores in the UK and US reported increased demand of certain products and queries from customers as they tried to recreate their own Fifty Shades experiences. We need to be prepared for the same effect when the film is released this month.’

Poor guys. Watching the film is one thing, but having to read the book?! Without wishing to cast aspersions on a seminal piece of fiction, Jamie Dornan’s left ear is more arousing – and we’re not 100% convinced by him yet, either. Alright, we’re quite convinced. Alright, we’d jump him. But still.

To cap it off, the memo ends by explaining how it ‘remains committed to serving our customers in all their DIY needs’ and, the best bit: ‘Customer satisfaction is always our number one priority’.

Do you reckon someone originally wrote ‘the customer always comes first’ and everyone laughed so hard they had to change it? We like to think so.

So, if you want to get your BDSM fix, get to B&Q. They’re ready and waiting for you/up to the challenge/something else vaguely erotic sounding.

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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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