According to social anthropologist Kate Fox, the British – aka, people who live in the land of the socially awkward – have forgotten how to greet each other. From kisses on the cheek to awkward hugs, meeting someone new has basically turned into the biggest social minefield of modern times.
Here are some awkward greetings you’ve definitely had to live through at some point.
The three way hug
Two friends, no obvious choice of who to go for first. Instead of calling your loyalty to either person into question you grab one friend with one arm and one with the other resulting in all three of you sort of facing inwards with your faces smashed together. Which was fine until you acted on instinct, tried to add a kiss in as well and ended up sucking your mate's nose.
Boss man Bing
It’s a social event out of work hours and in walks your boss. While he seamlessly works his introduction to your pal with a quick peck on each cheek there’s a bit of a pause when it comes to you thanks to the fact you've never got past the handshake stage. As a compromise he settles on a playful punch on the arm that leaves you with a bit of a bruise before making a joke about you seeing him Monday morning, but 'not if he sees you first!' Ick.
The street stop
Hey look! It’s that guy from uni that you sometimes used to talk to when you all went out in a big group. You both smile, say hi, then, because you’re not a monster, you stop for a chat. The problem is, he chooses to keep on walking, possibly with a mild hesitation in his step as he realises what a total dick he’s just made you look like. It’s not like you even wanted to have a chat anyways. Douche.
Your new boyfriend’s dad
The mum? That’s fine. Either a big old bear hug or a handshake if she looks the formal type. But the dad? Total fucking minefield. A kiss on each cheek? If so how many? What if you kiss him on the lips and that time your tried to snog his dad becomes a family anecdote? What if you go for the handshake and accidentally brush his penis? Either way, with this much riding on it, it’s bound to end in disaster.
The 'I'm not even going to attempt it' one
It’s 8am and you both find yourself on the train platform at the same time. Outside the pub you don't actually talk all that much so you'll be dammed if you're going to spend the next 30 minutes of your commute trapped in awkward conversation praying she gets off at the next stop. So while you’re both aware of each others’ prescence (you totally locked eyes when you walked down the stairs) you're both resolutely refusing to acknowledge it. Just keep looking down at your phone like it's the most interesting thing in the world and everything will be OK.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.