We all know a perfectionist. That person that just doesn't let anything go, is so controlled and intent on getting everything 'just so' that sometimes you want to dropkick them out of a window just to save themselves from future sleepless nights. Because, while it can be a great thing, there's a down side to perfectionism - but first things first, what exactly is it? And how can you tell if you're a perfectionist?
Well, it's difficult. If you’re the sort of person who likes to do a good job of something, or doesn’t like walking around dressed like a bin, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a perfectionist. It means you like doing a good job, and you don’t want to look like a bin.
But if you’re the sort of person who stays up all night stressing about doing a good job, when other people seem to get on just fine, or you’re finding that whatever you wear has you worrying all day that it’s not quite good enough, you might have an issue. Because while people tend to wear perfectionism as a badge of honour, it’s not always a positive trait to have.
‘Perfectionism is when an individual is working to a goal that they’ve designed, usually without reference to people who might be relevant to whatever the work is, and the goal tends to be an unachievable one,’ explains chartered business psychologist Gary Fitzgibbon. If it sounds a bit vague, that’s because it tends to be - perfectionists can be perfectionists about their work, their job, their life, their appearance, or all of the above.
Clare, 24, from Liverpool has touched upon the dark side of perfectionism, as it were, after finding herself totally obsessed with her job. A graphic designer working for commission, and for herself, it began to take over her life until she had to take a forced break to save her relationship. ‘I’ve always wanted to do the best job I could do, and if that meant staying up all night working out little tweaks and experimenting with different colours, then that’s fine,’ she says. ‘But I started to not be able to let go of anything. Even things that the client wouldn’t really notice. If they asked for a specific design, I’d give it to them along with other examples just in case they didn’t like the first one, and it’d mean I wouldn’t sleep all night. Also, I’d never be happy with anything I gave them. No project was ever really completed, and it started to put a strain on me and my boyfriend, because I could never let anything go.’
As well as not being able to let anything go, she started not being able to discuss projects, not being able to talk about anything she’d achieved or handed in, without breaking down about the things she hadn’t done. Which were, in retrospect, minimal. ‘Everything I did was to the best of my ability, but my standard of ‘best’ became unachievable. Once, I spent an entire evening going through different light blues for a background when it was really obvious the client didn’t particularly mind what colour the background was. It ended with a huge argument with my boyfriend when he pointed out they didn’t mind, and I had to take a break from work for a while.’
It’s this that really marks out ‘good’ perfectionism (i.e. doing stuff to the best of your ability so you achieve great things) and ‘bad’ perfectionism (running yourself into the ground for no apparent reason).
‘With a perfectionist who has lost control, their work is the focus of their lives and they lose context.’ explains Dr. Fitzgibbon. ‘They will go beyond what is expected of them, but even when that’s not hugely necessary. What you’ll find is that relationships are sometimes difficult for them to maintain, because they become stressed and lonely and it can be quite dangerous.’
A strong characteristic of a perfectionist is also, and unhelpfully for them, the inability to delegate - meaning that they will also take on more work than they have to and this, coupled with their tendency to take loads of time over everything, can lead to extreme stress. ‘One of the attributes of perfectionists is they have a specific idea of what the output and input would be in terms of a given project, ‘ says Dr. Fitzgibbon. ‘Because of this, they can’t delegate as they are hyper critical of the end product. When produced by someone else, a perfectionist will see that delegation is more time consuming than doing it themselves.’
Anyone who knows a perfectionist will know that, if they give you a task to do, they’ll end up redoing it however hard you’ve tried. And, if you’re constantly redoing things you’ve assigned to other people, you’re probably a perfectionist.
It can also border on obsessive compulsive behaviour, with perfectionism about work bleeding into other areas of your life. ‘I started work at a really high fashion magazine,’ says Cat, 21, an editorial assistant at a major women’s lifestyle publication. ‘It started with my become obsessed with what I wore, and having to look incredibly manicured to match up to their standards. But then that turned into being obsessed with food, and being obsessed with my room being perfect, to the extent that I would spend hours and hours cleaning it, just like I would spend hours and hours getting ready, to make sure I had that perfect life. Just like everyone at work seemed to.’
Nobody told Cat that, in order to work at the magazine, she had to have a perfect room. But it’s this losing touch with reality that can be the bleaker side to perfectionism that goes beyond staying up all night to finish a project.
‘It’s bad for your mental health, if you lose control.’ says Dr. Fitzgibbon. ‘And it’s really tricky to stop, because a perfectionist will often lose perspective and won’t necessarily listen to advice. They will start to generalise and believe that everything they do is wrong, fail to make sensible judgements about what it enough, and will always trying to improve on everything. That’s exhausting for a person.’
If this sounds like you, or someone you know, then it’s hard to stop the perfectionist ball when it’s started rolling towards the extreme end of the spectrum - but not impossible.
‘It’s important to get an idea of what is generally expected and accepted, and looking at how other people are dealing with similar things to what you’ve become very perfectionist over. Usually it’s way below what your idea of what’s acceptable’ he adds. ‘We get people to rate on a scale of one to ten what’s perfect. So what constitutes a nine, an eight, a seven and, when they reach seven, showing them that that is usually enough. Their seven is other people’s ten.’
When things become too much, counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy is a good way to bring back some sort of balance and perspective. If you find yourself working on projects for much longer than anyone else you know, beating yourself up more than any of your colleagues or friends, or that you’re obsessing about something to the extent that it’s affecting your life really negatively, then it’s good to speak to someone.
While it’s sometimes difficult to differentiate a perfectionist from a hard worker, if you speak to anyone you’re close to, they’ll be able to tell you which one you are.
‘I had some counselling, and I learned how to just let some things go,’ says Clare. ‘I still get annoyed about the little things, but I’ve figured out how to relax about the big picture and to keep an eye on how obsessed I’m getting with being perfect.’
So if you're reading this and thinking either 'That's me' or 'That article is crap, I'm going spend three weeks writing a better one and work on it every night until 3am' then you may be a perfectionist. Good for you, you'll get loads done - just make sure you don't go too far, and know when to reach out when you lose perspective.
Because when a perfectionist reaches burn-out, it can be especially harrowing. As Cat says: 'The worst thing about when I reached total burnout and was forced to stop was that I thought I wasn't burning out properly. My burn-out wasn't perfect. God I'm glad I learned to cut myself some slack.'
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.