Fights between housemates are part and parcel of trying to live as an adult in 2016, right? We’ve all been there with the aggy WhatsApp groups that take up half your working day with little niggles about who keeps slamming the doors in the morning and waking everyone up at 6.00am and who’s the messiest person in the house (and don’t get me started on when you’re often pretty sure that there are bitchy sub-Whatsapp groups analysing these disputes as they happen - just to add to the cycle of bitching. Ah, technology, eh?).
Yep, housemates can be annoying - even if they’re people you’d count as close mates. But in today’s financial climate, they’re essential. After all, who can afford their own studio flat? Er, pretty much nobody.
But what about when things turn darker? Without the opportunity to move out on our own for the majority of people, many find themselves renting with strangers, or are at the beck and call of a landlord who’s offering cheap rent - but at a price to the actual quality of life you’re getting in said flatshare. With just 40 per cent of Londoners forecast to own their own home by 2025, it looks like Generation Rent is here to stay - and with that brings the possibility of a flatmate who might be actually be detrimental to your wellbeing.
Celia*, 26, a careers advisor, is currently living in what she deems to be a nightmare situation with a live-in landlord who bullies her - but feels like she’s stuck there due to the cheap rent. It’s a climate she can’t get out of because she can’t afford to move elsewhere - but the mind games with her landlady are getting to be too much.
She says: 'I’d moved to London with my boyfriend a few months earlier. We were sharing a tiny studio flat, which meant that when we broke up I wanted to move out immediately.
'I moved in with my landlady, we’ll call her Sarah, in January. She would only give me a monthly rolling contract at a time as she didn't trust people. The flat had been an Airbnb before I moved in. I assumed this meant she had had bad experiences with crazy people before… but little did I know that SHE was the awful one. Sarah mentioned how the last girl in my room had left and they were not even on speaking terms, were avoiding each other, and it was very hostile.
'I realised that things weren’t quite normal with a series of passive aggressive notes. There were signs all around the toilet telling men they should be sitting down to pee and that if they could see the note they were facing in the wrong direction. The notes were covered in flower pictures saying - take off your shoes. Things seemed passive aggressive - but I soon learned then it was not just passive aggressive and actually aggressive.
'My landlady started putting Post-its under my door demanding rent money and contracts being signed, full of exclamation points. She turned off lights when I was still in the room - and she’d yell at me on a Friday night because she wanted to get up early and go clubbing at 6.00am in the morning.'
But things went from bad to worse when Celia made a simple mistake of getting locked out.
She says: 'My key broke in the door at 11pm and my landlady came down and yelled at me and told me I was an idiot and that I needed to grow up and look after myself. Another time she locked me out of the building on purpose - she left me outside in the street for ten minutes. When she eventually let me in she started banging on my bedroom door and then ran away.
'Since then things have gone from bad to worse. She sends me horrible messages on Facebook - and has abused a friend of mine when she came round to stay, sending me messages on Facebook to pass on to her, scolding her for leaving a wet foot print on the shower floor, when we’d made a huge effort to clean because we are both so terrified of her. I feel trapped. It’s hard to find a flat in London - and I don't know what to do next.'
Psychologist Emma Kenny explains that a bullying landlord or flatmate is just that - a bully. And it’s a situation that’s not going to go anywhere until you make a stand - however scary this may be.
'Somebody who feels like they’re above you is just an extension of a typical playground bully,' she says. 'And like when you were at school, people like this get away with their behaviour because they were allowed to. Bullying flatmates may have simply been never told when to fix their behaviour - and if they’re your landlord then they’ll feel that they are your “boss”. There’s little incentive for them to change their behaviour as they can oust you for the next willing customer.
'The only way to change the bullying behaviour of a flatmate or landlord is to sit them down and make a plan of action - however terrifying this may seem. If you ask them what they expect of you, they’ll start to question their own behaviour when they realise that they’re being challenged on it in a calm manner - even if you're quaking in your boots.'
But what if an aggy housemate isn’t your typical bully and often talks to you in a manner than seems on your level? It can be hard to defend yourself when accusations and upsetting situations are thrown at you in a passive aggressive, calm manner.
Steph*, 26, a photographer, found herself trapped in a fraught relationship with a housemate who played mind games with her through his often seemingly cool and collected manner.
She says: 'It was a shared flat. I knew the guy i moved in with, but didn’t know the girl and if anything was most nervous about sharing with her as I’d never met her before. But the issues actually came from him, and she and I ended up becoming close.
'It happened fairly early on. He started with underhand comments. What made it most noticeable is that when I brought friends over he became an extroverted social butterfly, desperate to show off and recount all sorts of his own very personal stories to get a laugh, whereas as soon as it was just us the atmosphere and language he used with me was very, very different and negative. It was like watching two different people.
'I never felt frightened but I felt deeply unhappy living there. There was a moment where he knocked on my door asking to speak about things to "clear the air," which was him sitting me down, standing above me and telling me I was embarrassing, all his friends hated me and that I needed to change. What was most worrying is that he said it all in the softest, kindest voice, reaching for my hand like I was having a hard time and he was there to help.
'He would often make comments or jokes about my accent, way of dressing, way of spending my time, my job, how I spend my money, what I eat, what I watch on TV - the list goes on. Rather than let comments pass, I would either respond in a joking way, or when issues were deeply unfair I would straight up respond then and there in as clear a way as possible.'
The lure for Daisy was again, cheap rent - which in London is something very hard to find indeed. But things came to a head when her housemate stormed into her room to shout at her over some washing up in the kitchen - before turning passive aggressive on her in an attempt to make her feel guilty.
She explains: 'I responded that none of it was mine, it was his and he became very passive aggressive saying I was out of line for not clearing his stuff away, again in a soft, kind voice…. all while barricading the door so i could't leave. He was incredibly manipulative.
'I packed my bags that night and left the following morning. He woke up early to make me coffee and help me move my bags whilst pleading for me to stay… he kept reiterating that we could "work this all out…" and that all i had to do was NOT be the person I am.
'I made a point to explain to him when he asked me stay while packing up my car that I was leaving only because of him and that i would not "work things out" to change my entire personality to fit him. To which he gave a shrug and a sad smile as if to say "well… your loss." I ended up moving into a friend’s house and have been far happier since I took the plunge to do so.'
While Daisy followed psychologist Emma Kenny’s advice, it took a while before she could - because of the horrendous London situation of high rent.
Emma concludes: 'If housemates or landlords are actually affecting your mental health then you really need consider if it’s worth it. Your wellbeing is far more important than anything else - and while finances can be tricky, anxiety and stress in the long-term can really wear you down.
'If after a sit-down chat with a toxic housemate doesn’t solve anything, it may be time to move on. It’s not worth risking your health in the long term - and if you’ve been proactive with defending yourself and making a stand to no avail, the best thing you can do is swiftly move on.'
It might just be the best thing you’ve ever done. And I’m not just talking about freedom from the odd tetchy Whatsapp. We’re at the beck and call of the renting marking right now - but psychological torment isn’t something we’re bound to. So be brave - and do what’s best for you.
*** names have been changed*
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Follow Rosie on Twitter @RGIZZA
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.