Whoever ended your relationship, it’s a grim moment when you realise your most recent ex will attend the same wedding as you, with their new partner in tow. It’s happened to me on several occasions in my 40 years, and I think I’ve now got the survival plan relatively nailed.
Look amazing
Obviously you must do this. Because ‘she’ will. New girlfriend will know you’re coming and rightly pull out all the stops. Good for her, but pride and dignity dictates that you must raise your game accordingly. Borrow a really fantastic – but not too try-hard – dress and bag from your richest friend, get a proper blow dry, get your nails done properly. Oh, and wear sexy undies, because they’ll make you strut about like someone who knows she’s the absolute tits.
Take a date
To languish at what I call the ‘Fraggle Table’ of singles (someone ban these, please) is a fate worse than death when your ex is sitting with the adults, talking about Ikea, Sandals resorts or some shit. Avoid this horror by taking a ‘date’. They can be gay if you’re straight, straight if you’re gay, a pal, a colleague, a shag or whatever – it doesn’t matter as long as you’re not related, they’re a good laugh, slightly evil for bitching purposes, and quite fit. Sorry, but this is important. Good-looking accessories are a key look for you in this situation.
Kill with kindness
Great manners are lethal, and by far the most satisfying way to totally fuck up someone’s shit. It’s really hard, but it’s absolutely to your advantage to be the bigger person, and approach your ex and their new partner within 20 minutes or so of arriving. Ignoring them requires huge effort, is tricky to reverse, stops you enjoying your time, and makes you look tragic and lame. Be smiley, friendly, interested and breezy in a calm, unshowy way. Give them 5-10 minutes of your time, max. Then immediately find somewhere discreet in which to slate them.
Never pick teams
Your friends are there for a wedding, not a punch up. Don’t bang on about the particulars of your break-up to anyone, not even for a minute. They mustn’t feel torn, compromised or disloyal in hanging out with both you and your ex, and by extension, your respective dates. The key job of any wedding guest is to get on with others. It’s quite right that they welcome any new partners, and easy and polite for them to keep you separate where appropriate.
Don’t get hammered
Any situation where you might cry, fall, shout, puke, apologise or beg for reconciliation absolutely must be avoided, so if that means not drinking, or tediously alternating Champagne with water, like Gwyneth Paltrow or someone, then do it. As in so many situations, a couple of glasses can be enormously helpful for courage, joke telling and general confidence, but exercise some caution. The worst thing that can ever happen in this scene is for fellow guests to be giving your ex a head-tilt of sympathy, suddenly understanding why s/he left.
Play it cool
Under no circumstances are you to attempt to catch the bride’s bouquet. Your ex may have been unable to stay single for five minutes, but you’re in no hurry to conform to such dreary societal norms. You’re doing just fine without him/her, remember? Life is fabulous. Obviously the dream here is for the new girlfriend to shrilly wrestle the bridesmaids to the floor for the flowers, so you can watch the ex turn white with fear, but life isn’t a Cameron Diaz movie, more’s the pity.
Keep some perspective
Today is about a new marriage, not a former relationship. Congratulate yourself on having selflessly accepted such a tricky invitation, and try to spend more time looking at the newlyweds than doing sly side-eye at whatever your ex is up to. What will make you look the most healthy, sane and happy person there is to be seen to acknowledge that a lovely thing is happening to your friends, and to be celebrating them accordingly. Weddings are brilliant. Don’t waste a good one on dead wood.
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Illustration: Assa Ariyoshi
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.