Crushes happen when you least expect them. I once had a very intense crush on Alan Davies for a week, for example, and I’m in a very happy relationship. I just couldn’t stop thinking about his mop hair and run-ins with the media.
But why do they happen? And what can we do about them? I spoke to psychology expert Dr Max Blumberg and spent the entire conversation with my mouth hanging open because, my God, our brains are totally mad and, whoa, no wonder I fancied Alan Davies for a bit.
It’s your brain
The human brain is made up of different levels and one of these levels is essentially responsible for making us get addicted to cream cakes, drugs, and fancy people like mad for around 4-5 working days.
‘Crushes come from your limbic brain, which is the part we share with animals. It’s responsible for basic functions, like your heart beating and breathing in and out, but over the years humans developed a middle brain and a cortex on top,’ explains Dr Blumberg.
‘Our limbic brain just wants dopamine. It wants as much dopamine as it can get, because it feels so good, and sex provides dopamine. So it just wants sex with as many sexy people as it can get its hands on. But because we also have a cortex, we can decide not to have sex if we want to. Whereas a dog struggles to do this.’
Basically, a crush comes from the limbic brain – the same part that gets addicted to drugs – so curing a crush is like curing an addiction. Hard.
There’s an evolutionary reason
Sure, it’s all about the limbic brain, but that only partially explains why I fancied Alan Davies so hard. Why him?! Why then?! Why?!
‘Our limbic brains haven’t evolved since two million years ago, and in those days, the kinds of things that normally would have been attractive would be a guy with resources, so your kid would have food and a better chance of survival,’ says Dr Blumberg.
‘So guys with resources means a rich guy, an older guy, or someone who looks like they’d be a good hunter. In 2015, the kind of resources you need from a man is different – you probably want someone kinder, more sociable, a nice guy rather than a bastard, but your limbic brain doesn’t know that.’
So your limbic brain goes after someone inappropriate, or someone you find mega sexy, because it’s operating on a ‘WILL HE HAVE GOOD SPERM AND POWER’ basis, even if your rational mind gets turned on by the stability of the nice guy.
Alan Davies has a lot of money, which is probably why I got a crush on him. My mate has intense, brief flings with awful men all the time, because her cortex isn’t telling her that they’re definitely morons and will totally cheat on her. It’s a hard life.
This doesn’t mean you’ll shag every good hunter you see
Or even want to. Because some people’s cortexes can override the limbic brain – which is why, when I met Alan Davies a few weeks ago, I didn’t jump on him.
‘That was because, while your limbic brain had you for the duration of the crush, your cortex got a chance to think rationally and you were able to override your limbic brain,’ explains Dr Blumberg.
‘This gives you a clue as to how to get rid of crushes: recognise that if you give it time and allow your rational brain to think properly, it’ll override. Thing is, a lot of people never give their cortex a chance.’
Why? Because we all love dopamine, we love it so much that we’ll do anything to get it even if it means bonking someone inappropriate in a cupboard.
Even if you’re in a relationship, you’ll still have crushes
You’d think that men would get way more crushes than women, if it was all about the primal instinct – but that’s where it gets really interesting. While the common perception is that men are designed to spread their wild oats and women are designed to pine after just one oat-spreading man, it’s actually all bollocks. And to do with bollocks. No, really.
‘Gorillas are utterly monogamous, and the males have very small testicles because their sperm doesn’t need to compete with any males. Chimpanzee females mate with every male in the pack – so none of the guys know whether they’re the father or not and she ends up getting food from all of them – and the chimpanzee males have huge testicles in comparison to their body size, because they’ve got to fight to get their sperm to that egg,’ says Dr Blumberg.
‘Interestingly, human males’ testicle size is between a chimp and a gorilla. So that means women aren’t as unfaithful as chimps, but neither are they designed for one man.’
Basically, women are probably designed to have the stable, dependable man and also shag a hot sexy inappropriate one (if our cortexes didn’t exist).
‘You’re a two-man woman, but your cortex will hopefully stop you shagging the sexy guys. However, most affairs do happen when women are at their most fertile,’ he adds.
Thankfully, our cortexes keep our rampant limbic brain in check for most of the time, but when it bubbles to the surface... well, that’s when a crush happens.
It controls the clothes you wear
Research from Manchester University shows that women subconsciously try and attract men when they’re at their most fertile – regardless of whether they’re in a relationship or not.
‘Female monkeys’ genitals and bums go red during their most fertile time, but human females are cleverer and now hide the signs of wanting to have sex with someone. A recent study, though, found that women are a lot more likely to wear sexier clothes during their most fertile period. And they don’t realise it.’
So you’re subconsciously trying to attract men by wearing shorter skirts and tighter clothes while at your most fertile. On top of that, you know when you blush or stutter or act like an idiot in front of the person you fancy? That’s literally your brain trying to signal to the other person that you want to have sex with them. Mortifying.
Although marginally better than yelling, ‘Hello, I want to have sex with you, do you have good resources?’ – which is what your limbic brain desperately wants to do.
You can stop it, or help it
It’s basically about recognising what’s going on, and consciously telling yourself you’re being silly.
‘It’s tough – go and ask any heroin addict, and they’ll tell you it’s not easy. Once your limbic system is used to the regular level of dopamine coming in, it’s going to make you do things. The best way to deal with it is to avoid getting into the habit of having crushes all the time. But if you do have one, give it time,’ Dr Blumberg advises.
‘Consciously tell yourself that you’re not going to let your limbic system rule you. The more you practise doing that, the more control you’ll start to have. Another strategy is finding an alternative activity that gives you dopamine. A really hard work out at the gym kind of does it for me!’
He also suggests writing it down, and explaining to yourself why it’s such a silly idea, because that will help you get over it. It’ll also help if you retrospectively write about how mad your crush was once it’s finished, because the next time one strikes you can re-read it, and it might kick your cortex into action. Because that’s the reason a crush ends as soon as it began – your conscious mind takes over and gives your limbic system a good talking to.
Try not to act on it while it’s happening
Just common sense, this. From me and Dr Blumberg to you.
‘Ask your friend if you’re acting rationally, and if they tell you you’re not, then you know it’s a crush rather than rational love,’ he says. ‘Other signs include all the classics – fast heart beat, not being able to stop thinking about the person to the extent that it’s affecting your work and ignoring all advice.’
If you find yourself in the throes of a crush, try your utmost not to text them weird stuff, try and kiss them in public places or turn up to their house with a lute. Alan Davies’ security people will escort you off the premises and you’ll be slapped with a restraining order, for a start. (I didn’t go this far, I’m just speculating.)
Happy crushing. And sorry, Alan.
**Like this? You might also be interested in... **
Things You Only Know If You Date White Guys, And You’re Not White
Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.