This Reddit scenario - or argument, perhaps - has the internet heavily invested. A ‘happily married man’ took to Reddit to post what appears to be an opinion about how to handle marital arguments which is pretty unpopular, if the comments are anything to go by.
The poster, who we assume has just been asked to go and sleep in a different room of the house considering his anger, says he doesn’t believe anyone should be allowed to kick their partner out of the house, or even the bed - no matter how upset you are. The post goes like this:
‘If we fight, No, I’m not sleeping on the couch. No, I’m not leaving to ‘stay with my parents for a few days.’ I’m not doing any of that shit.’
The poster believes it’s right to stay in his own house that he pays towards, regardless of how upset with each other the couple are. He continues ‘You can be mad, and I can be mad, and we can just go to sleep angry. Or we can talk about it and find a resolution. But either way I’m sleeping in my bed, in MY house that I pay for. Fuck this expectation that the guy has to give up the bed or fucking move out indefinitely until things settle down. The day I’m kicked out of my own bedroom/house is the day Ben Shapiro admits gender is a social construct.’ The latter is never going to happen, so we can assume this poster feels pretty strong about his view.
But this opinion seems to have invoked fury amongst Reddit users, with responders thinking the original poster is ‘selfish’ or ‘immature’. One Reddit user commented “He’s probably never been in a real relationship.’ ‘This is really immature - why would you want to be near someone who doesn’t want you near them right now,’ writes another.
Some have pretty strong opinions on the whole debacle. ‘I disagree wholeheartedly,’ one Reddit user posts. ‘Sometimes people need time away to gather their thoughts. I do think that a person should leave if they can, when they’ve been asked to. Especially if they are the one in the wrong.’
But a small portion of the comments show agreement with the original poster, sharing stories of being asked to temporarily leave their bed - or their home - over what they viewed to be small or insignificant disagreements.
Others feel that if they wanted to be away from their partner, they’d take themselves away from the situation rather than expecting someone else to adhere. ‘I feel like if i’m the one who’s too mad to be sleeping in the same bed as my partner tonight, I’m also the one who should go sleep on the couch,’ writes one Reddit user, while another agrees ‘I feel like if I’m mad then I should be the one moving to the sofa - unless its about cheating or an abusive situation.’
They continue ‘Like we fought, okay, but my boyfriend is still in bed next to me, he’s okay with sleeping next to me. Well I’m not, so it’s my responsibility to move away.’
It’s an interesting debate, but relationships are nuanced beyond what a reddit post - or the arguments that follow - can summarise. On paper, I agree with the idea that the person who wants to be apart should be the one who leaves. However, elements like having young children who need to be with their mothers round-the-clock, where you are in your relationship and how serious your connection is change the ‘rules’ entirely. For example, in a heterosexual relationship where the two are new parents, clearly the mother should stay home to not cause distress for the baby or any disruption to routines.
One commenter said she never asked her boyfriend to leave their flat when they fought because she worried about where he would go. His family were far away and she felt like it would be ‘very dark’ to send him out alone with nowhere to go. But knowing she felt that way gave him the power to misbehave and start arguments, knowing she wouldn’t boot him out. Now, she regrets not kicking him out during every dispute. ‘I put off telling my ex to leave for a long time because they ended up living in my house after they lost their apartment and I felt guilty for them not having anywhere to go. I thought it would be cruel to make him leave, but I should have. The relationship just broke down more and I wish I had told him to leave sooner.’
‘During the last argument we had, I did want him to leave but I gave him a couple of hours’ notice so he could get some stuff together and arrange a place to stay. I wanted my space and time to think, but I wanted him to have a comfortable situation too. We ended up breaking up - I think if I hadn’t kicked him out, we’d still be together, having daily arguments with no resolution,’ she explains.
So having a break from each other clearly does have its advantages, and sometimes that space and time way is necessary to save - or amicably end - a relationship. But does it have to involve kicking them out of the house? In this commenter’s case, she owned the house and had allowed her partner to live there. But if you own or rent the house as cohabitants, surely you can resolve matters without kicking your partner to the curb? The sofa is pretty comfy and far enough away, right?
Technically, you can’t actually kick your partner out of the house you have together during a dispute (say, you’ve argued over your boyfriend not pulling his weight with the house work or something one of the mother-in-laws said). If you’re cohabiting and you occupy your home together - whether through renting or buying - legally you would need a court order to get them out of the house. And you’d need a pretty good reason for doing so. Obviously, police will deal with the situation as presented but in the absence of safety concerns or illegal activity, they cannot enforce a partner's removal from the home, and neither can you.
As the original poster follows up on in the comments, it’s pretty cruel to demand your partner spend the night in a hotel or show up at their parent’s unannounced, having to awkwardly explain the drop-in. There shouldn’t be an argument so deeply unsolvable that you can’t talk it through, together, in your home. If you feel the need to throw your partner out over day to day disagreements - of course excluding things like cheating or abuse - perhaps the relationship isn’t sustainable.