In Which We Argue Having One-Time Sex With Your Male Mate Isn’t A Terrible Idea

From the girl who’s pretty much slept with all her male mates


by Madison Knightley |
Published on

I’d like to announce, loudly and proudly, that I have a tendency to shag pretty much all my male friends. It’s not something I actively decided to do. Rather something that accidentally ended up becoming a bit of a pattern. It was less, ‘You are now in my inner circle so now it is your duty to ride the wave of my wobbly bits,’ and more, ‘Oh look! We’ve found ourselves naked in a field after taking too many magic mushrooms again. Let’s see if sex will be fun!’

I am pretty much certain that, having read the above, you will be mentally sifting through your sex files and finding you’ve done much the same once. Twice maybe. Hell you might have even done it last night and still have the empty condom wrapper swimming in your handbag debris, later to emerge stuck to your wallet when you take it out to buy hangover chocolate.

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about those friends you love to pieces, but the ones you find so sexually repulsive you’d have to apologise to the Powers That Be should they ask you to step in for post-apoloyptic earth re-population. The answer to the age-old question, ‘Can girls and boys be just friends?’ is a resounding, ‘Yes… when it comes to some of them.’

The friends I allude to are those who you find objectively quite attractive but might not quite be your type. The ones who, if a girlfriend asked you, ‘Would you shag Egbert?’ (because in this scenario I have named your friend Egbert), you would reply, ‘Egbert? Hmm... if I was drunk enough.’

Because then what happens is, you DO get drunk enough and in that haze, vaguely remember the conversation and then think, ‘Hey! I AM drunk enough!’ And then you lunge in the general direction of his face. At first he’s taken aback, but then the floodgates are as open as your legs. Egbert is quite fit now; the years have been kind. You still have a strong memory of his 16-year-old BO, which will forever haunt your nostrils, but now he has introduced his ankles to his trousers and takes regular showers, he’s a bit of a Baldwin. That type of friend.

READ MORE: What Does Your Orgasm Face Say About You?

So if you have engaged in mate molesting of the mutual variety, I would like to tell you there is absolutely nothing wrong with it whatsoever. It is not an act we need cringe over for weeks nor ostracise ourselves from friendship groups in order to avoid facing. No longer must we bury our heads in the sand like embarrassed ostriches when we shag someone we have described as ‘like a brother to me’.

We choose our friends wisely. They are people who we feel are similar to ourselves and therefore fabulous and extremely cool. They make us laugh, care about us and we feel most comfortable with them. Lastly, and most importantly, they are the ones who are usually there when we are off our faces, free of inhibition and making decisions we wouldn't usually make. All the key ingredients for a perfect one-off sexual partner. The sex will not necessarily be fantastic, but it will be a good laugh and a good way to break up a sex-drought if you’re unfortunate enough to be experiencing one. We’ve all been there.

Of course, the main fear of doing so, for us all, is that we will damage our friendship. We think:

‘What if we can never be how we were?’

‘I can’t look at his face without seeing his come face.’

‘I can’t concentrate at work because he keeps sending me unsolicited dick pics?’ (If it’s this one, he shouldn’t be your friend in the first place.)

All of these worries can be set aside if you follow a simple strategy, and don’t have a photographic memory or a smartphone. Executed correctly, this will allow you to resume friendship and even see it strengthen. Remember, you now share that bonding memory of when he was trying to remove your socks with his teeth in 69 position and accidentally farted.

READ MORE: Ask An Adult: Why Do Some Guys Always Give Me Cystitis, But Others Don't?

It is imperative you make clear that it was a one time thing, unless you want it to continue of course, but that is dangerous territory with its own separate world of pain and confusion of which I cannot advise on. For the one-time mate shag, there are four easy steps to stress-free damage control:

1. The morning after text

‘Mate, such a fun night. Very naughty of us. We’re such a pair of reprobates. I better not be as badly behaved on my Tinder date this evening.’

– Clear. To the point. Mentions your dedication to the cause of being single, but friendly and not at all awkward.

2. Time apart

Only for a week or two. Nothing that seems out of the ordinary. Get friends to tell him how ker-azy busy you are. Then text, ‘Dude! We haven’t seen each other in AGES. How’s about we get a group together to do [insert fun plan that isn’t a group orgy]?’ At any point, should he respond sounding a little gushier or moresensitive than usual, slam it down with another friendship word like ‘Pal’ or ‘Buddy’ or ‘Buddy ole Pal Buddyboy’. In person this can be emphasised with a light punch on the arm.

3. Friends Night Out

At the event you organise it is crucial that you have a couple of drinks, but not too many to revisit the occasion. Dutch courage will allow you to bring up the sexcapade along with a ‘We’re OK, right?’ Keep it short then do some Jagerbombs and dance with the intention of being the most unattractive woman in the room. Hints: lots of arms, lots of legs and, if you feel like your hair is sticking to your face with sweat, don’t tie it up. If anything, slick it down.

4. Just in case

If you have any fear that he might be falling for you (because let’s face it, you are really good at sex), you will need to up your levels of unattractiveness in his presence. Things like dribbling tend to work for this. Or nose-picking. Or saying how great it is that you can have had sex, but still have no feelings for each other, moving onto another conversation topic before you have a chance to register his ‘realisation face’.

And that, dear readers, is how you CAN have your friend and fuck it*.

*It’s like having your cake and eating it? A witty play on words? Oh, whatever.

Like this? You might also be interested in...

How To Win At Casual Sex

A Global Guide To Blowjob Etiquette

What's Wrong With Missionary?! In Defence Of A Vanilla Sex Life

Follow Madeliene on Twitter @MissMadeleineK

Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

Just so you know, whilst we may receive a commission or other compensation from the links on this website, we never allow this to influence product selections - read why you should trust us