Yeah, so Apple are about to launch the iPhone 6, and rumour has it that the new version is all thin and really long. Oh, and we’ve totally bought into the hype and will be buying one at the next available opportunity (if not actually camping out at the actual store – I don’t have a tent). However, we can’t help thinking that there are a few tweaks we’d be especially happy to see in an all-new smartphone. Like longer battery life, for starters.
Longer battery life, for starters
What a surprise! Who’d have thought this would make the list?! So iPhones take better pictures than most professional cameras, can find themselves when lost, and are able to conduct remote control robots, but nobody’s been able to create a battery that lasts for more than a day. Tops.
Perhaps it’s technically impossible, and you can’t get so absorbed taking high-quality pictures of your remotely controlled robot that you lose your iPhone, as well as expecting loads of battery power, but it’d be nice wouldn’t it? Shall we send them a letter or something?
No (or better) Siri function
After the avalanche of ‘LOL-ask Siri whether it wants to be your boyfriend and see how it responds, heh heh’ fun died down, all that’s left is a vaguely annoying voice that keeps trying to help youn whenever you press downa button a fraction too long. Like that paper clip that kept musing upon the fact ‘it seems like you’re writing a letter’ whenever you typed the word ‘to’ or ‘dear’ into a Microsoft Word document.
If you use Siri regularly, then you’re probably a bit of a gadget-loving power maniac because, let’s face it, it takes way less time to just call the person using your thumb. Or look for something by, er, typing the word in.
Perhaps the iPhone 6 will have morphed Siri into a breakfast-making house-cleaning superpower.
A waterproofed exterior
I’ve thrown mine down the toilet, in a pint glass, in someone else’s pint glass, in a puddle and cried so hard when my ex dumped me that the bastard stopped working due to ‘salt water flooding’. All this occurs regardless of how sexy the handset looks, so let’s maybe focus on helping it survive watery mishaps, yeah? Not all of us can keep our iPhones dry 24/7.
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A stronger vibrate function
Get your minds out of the vibrator gutter, I’m talking about the fact that when it vibrates, you can’t feel it through denim. Unless you’re wearing very thin, very tight denim. In which case, what the hell are you doing? Go buy some proper trousers, you’re not a ’70s Swedish exchange student.
A magnet function
So you can stick it on fridges and other metal surfaces. Firstly, that’d be fun. Secondly, you could use it to find keys, hairpins and other things that get lost in your bag. Thirdly, you’d never lose it again because it’d always be stuck to your fridge.
A universal phone charger capability
All right, a boring one, but highly necessary for anyone who has stomped around the office yelling, ‘Does anyone have an iPhone 5 charger? No a 5. A 5. No, that’s a 4.’ It’s a really great conversation for stress levels, especially when someone says yes even after you’ve established it’s an iPhone 5 charger you need, and it becomes apparent they have a BlackBerry.
There are universal phone chargers out there, they’re really cheap, and you can use them in all phones. Imagine how nice the world would be.
A split-screen function
Our attention span isn’t short enough as it is, so why don’t Apple make it worse by enabling us to text and search the world wide web (www) at the same time. You know when you’re searching for videos of a whale’s stomach exploding, someone interrupts your sesh to text you Jason Derulo lyrics, and you need to access Safari in order to respond appropriately and immediately? A split-screen function would be perfect for this exact scenario. And probably other scenarios, too. But mainly this one.
A bottle opener on the back
Needs no explanation, really.
Lasers
OK, I’m getting overexcited now.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.