Every so often as a journalist, I’ll receive a press release in my email inbox that makes me go, ‘Nope. I’m done. Goodbye cruel world, it’s been fun but I must depart and stick my head in a vat of boiling poo to hurry along the inevitable sweet release of death.’
Today is one of those days.
According to a new survey from VoucherCodesPro (I may currently be mad at them but that’s not going to stop me noticing their current advertisment of 11% off your first order of nametags from My Nametags; some things you just can’t put a price on), men prefer silicone boobs. Because the ’90s called and The Lads are back.
The survey spoke to 2,486 British men, all currently in relationships, and asked them about what kind of boobs they liked. Apparently, 77% said they preferred their ladies’ breasts to be ‘silicone’ and, of those 77%, the reasons they gave as to why they preferred silicone breasts were a painful throwback to the days when the Playboy Mansion was supposedly ‘cool’ and girls wearing bikinis in rap videos wasn’t something that looked ‘a little bit sad’.
We know that plenty of women out there choose to get silicone breasts and hey, whatever your reason, more power to you; that was your choice, with** your body, which, as you well know, is your property that you get to make decisions about.
What’s not OK is VoucherCodesPro asking men what sort of breasts they prefer. Boobs, in case Year 1 science passed you by, don’t exist solely to be a man’s funtime plaything; they’re actually defined as (and I quote) ‘Either of the two soft, protruding organs on the upper front of a woman’s body which secrete milk after childbirth.’
Yeah, you like that? How's that for sexy?
So, back to the reasons the men who liked silicone boobs have given for preferring them. Let’s just say they aren’t exactly helping their case. Shall we take a look? OH GO ON THEN.
39% of men said that silicone breasts ‘are perkier and less droopy’
Porn, the ’90s and several other wonderful contributing socio-economic factors have confused the concept of boobs for a lot of people. Boobs come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are big, some are small, some are silicone, some sit high on the chest, some sit low, some are lopsided, some have big nipples and some have small nipples.
No matter what they look like, they’re boobs. Hell, if I was a guy and I managed to get an IRL glimpse of any of you guys and your magnificent boobs I’d be thanking my lucky stars until the end of my days.
32% of men said, ‘I consider [silicone breasts] a status symbol’
People get breast implants for all sorts of reasons. Some girls are unhappy with their own boobs being too big or too small, some girls just fancy a bit of a lift, some really like the oversized look.
Whatever reason they go for, it’s definitely not to boost the ego of some guy who probably looks like Frank from Footballers’ Wives. His girlfriend is definitely laughing somewhere in the background.
24% of men said, ‘It shows that a woman takes care of herself’
I mean, I’ve just about learned to shave my legs without cutting my knee. If getting invasive surgery is a necessary evil to prove you know how to ‘Woman’ then count me out.
18% of men said, ‘The cleavage looks better in clothing’
Proof, if anything, that these men haven’t ever had to consider the concept of levering a pair of larger boobs into a polo neck, or spending an entire evening pulling uncomfortably at a neckline they felt was too low, or used a water bra to make smaller boobs not look silly in a top that fits their hips but hangs loose in the chestal area.
Dressing for your boobs so you feel comfortable is an art we’ve been perfecting since our boobs first popped up when we were teenagers. I’ll thank you chaps for not adding your two cents to how you think our boobs should look in clothing.
You do not know what you’re dealing with. Cheers.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
‘Everything You Do Is Ridiculed’ Actress, 17, Gets Boob Reduction
How Being Boob-Shamed In My Teens Still Affects Me In My Twenties
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Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.