As most people know, giving birth is an intense physical ordeal, and maternity leave is essential in allowing women’s bodies the opportunity to recover. And everybody’s time frame for healing is different. Paid maternity provision differs from country to country, but in the UK, everyone receives 90% of their weekly pay for the first six weeks after going on maternity leave and £151.97 a week for the next 39 weeks as statutory (although you might receive more than this if your company top up your provision).
So, the internet was horrified when one 25-year-old woman took to Reddit’s Am I the Asshole thread this week to recount how her 34-year-old husband told her she should take only two weeks maternity leave before he took his three months paternity—not so that he could spend time with their child but so he could look for a new job.
‘I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my husband and I’s first child,’ the woman wrote. ‘We have been together for five years, married almost two. Baby is growing on track; we’ve already painted the nursery and my MIL [mother-in-law] is excitedly planning the baby shower.’ So far, so good.
‘I have a full-time office job while he has been working from home since the first lockdown’ the original poster [OP] continued. ‘We were talking about our parental leaves and agreed that we wouldn’t take is simultaneously. We were good until he said: “Do you wanna do two weeks first then I do mine, then you do six weeks after?”’ This, obviously, struck a nerve.
‘I just stood there silently staring at him for five minutes,’ the mum-to-be explained. ‘I told him I think he’s being ignorant and selfish. He said: “What? I don’t know how long you need to recover. I don’t even know why we’re still talking about this.”’
This ignorance, and the unwillingness to listen and learn is quite astounding. Rather than meeting his wife with hostility when she makes her upset apparent, this man should be willing to empathise with the woman about to give birth to his child.
And the OP’s husband’s gaps in knowledge are not the only ways the couple represent a disparity: ‘He works for an international company where they get three months paid paternity leave. Meanwhile, I work for a small business which only offers six to eight weeks of unpaid maternity leave,’ the woman detailed.
This seems overwhelmingly unfair. While, of course, men are entitled to paternity leave they’re not physically recovering from pushing another human being out of an orifice: ‘He has been anticipating his paternity leave since I got pregnant because he sees it as an opportunity to seriously start looking for another job,’ the woman said. So, really, he’s rinsing the birth of his child and pain of his wife as a career overhaul opportunity. Simply not right.
‘I didn’t talk to him after his remark,’ the OP continued. ‘He went to play video games on his computer while I folded his clothes. I slept on the couch and still have not talked to him at breakfast. He tried talking to me as I was about to leave for work, but I just moped out of the house.’
‘I am upset that he doesn’t think that I deserve to get some down time after giving birth to recover and spend time with our kid,’ the OP added. ‘I feel like he thinks growing an entire human being inside your body and then having to push that baby out is not a big deal. Maybe because I never complain about anything.
‘I do 90% of the chores around the house, even carrying laundry from our bedroom at the top floor down to the basement to get them washed then back up the stairs to get them folded and put away,’ she continued. ‘I feel like my in-laws are more concerned about my well-being than he is.’
From household chores to parental leave, there is some serious inequality in this household and the couple would probably benefit from a frank and open conversation about splitting housework, childcare and general responsibilities before the due date (and baby) arrives.
‘I think your husband is being insensitive,’ replied one Reddit user. ‘The only reason I can think of for this is that he has ZERO clue what you are going to have to go through during labour and birth. So, maybe force him to sit down and watch a birthing video with you and then ask him again if he thinks two weeks is enough time to recover.’
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