Let's face it, if you watch movies, there are really only two depictions of love. On one end of the spectrum there are the first throes. It’s romantic, they’re excited to be together, they have great sex. Then you get doomed love: whether it be Jack drifting into the chilly depths in Titanic or, more tragically, love that has died of its own accord. That version is often characterised by either bad sex or literally none. Totting it up using my rudimentary Hollywood maths, the amount of bonking you do is directly proportional to the intensity of your love.
Now, in real life, I’m not sure this is true. Or rather, I really hope it isn’t.
See, I’ve been with my wife for nine years now, and I love her as intensely as I ever have. And yet we have markedly less sex than we used to. Like most normal non-fictional un-Hollywood couples, we met (in a pub), we went at it like rabbits for a while, we made hay, we got hitched, we ultimately made babies, then, more often than not, as time wore on, we chose sleeping over shagging. Now we’re at the stage where a quickie three or four times a month seems about right (and, according to the famous Kinsey Institute, it is – for around 45 percent of married couples). But here’s my dilemma – is it really about right? Because ‘young me’ would assume I was kidding if I told him my current sex stats. I mean, look at the facts: I’m in bed every night with a woman (who has boobs), and I’m not taking every opportunity to ravish her? It seems preposterous. Can a couple really be happy when they’re doing it less? Have my legendary sex moves become predictable and mundane? Is she quietly yearning for a stallion in the sack?
These worries had long been echoing in my mind like cruel Shakespearean ghosts, so I decided to silence them once and for all. I devised a plan, split into three key stages.
Stage 1: Ask Other Men Like Me About Their Sex Lives
I know girls are different but, for guys, sex talk tends to dry up once you’re in a committed relationship – it’s as if to discuss it would somehow diminish the intricate complexity of your ‘love journey’. Or something. Hence, my strategy was to approach the subject delicately and with caution. So I sent out a massively intrusive group email brazenly asking bedroom questions.
‘How often do you do it?’ ‘Is it still as good as it was?’ ‘Do you wish you were doing it more?’ ‘Is it still important to you?’ ‘Have you tried any new moves lately?’
After a little while, my less appalled friends got back to me. ‘Thing is, Josh,’ confided one (let’s call him John), ‘I don’t wish I was doing it more. We don’t do it nearly as much as we did, but that’s totally fine with me.’
‘My sex life pretty much dried up after childbirth,’ says another (let’s call this one Paul), ‘but we have a frank dialogue about it, and that’s been a real pleasure.’ I still can’t work out if this is sarcastic.
The responses continued, and were candid and welcome. ‘I think guys don’t talk about sex as they get older because we don’t do it as much.’ Fair. ‘I tried to introduce porn into the bedroom, which was a big mistake – seems we have very different opinions on how many girls should be involved.’ Hilarious. ‘We actually book in sex on a calendar.’ Good idea.
On the whole, this all came as a great relief. No one seemed to be at it five times a week like in the old days. We’ve all mellowed in our thirties/forties.
Stage 2: Talk To An Expert
Next I spoke to Dr Petra Boynton, The Telegraph’s agony aunt. I still had so much I wanted to ask, but the crux of it was still essentially: am I OK? And from an expert point of view, should we be doing it more?
‘You need to get away from this idea that there’s a right amount of sex to have,’ she told me. ‘There isn’t a right amount, there isn’t a wrong amount – if you think about what is going on in your life, there are often good reasons why you feel like having sex, or not having sex.’
I thought about it for a second, making a small list of recent pressures in my head: big mortgage, loud toddler, my relentlessly tenuous job situation as a freelance writer. The fog of why I wasn’t feeling up for it began to clear.
‘Now think about the times when you’ve had more sex,’ she continued. ‘It’s often when you’re on holiday, or when there’s nothing distracting you or stressing you out. And the truth is that sometimes you have to accept that you might want it more and they might want it less, or vice versa. But the important thing is to talk about it.’
So with Petra’s wise words and sage advice still reverberating, and feeling a little bit worried about how to open the conversation, I moved on to the final stage of my quest towards sexual enlightenment.
Stage 3: Discuss With My Gal
Truth be told, having less sex has never seemed to bother my wife. Possibly because she has a more balanced take on life, or maybe because she isn’t driven by a petty male ego that needs constant validation (ahem).
And to further this spirit of full disclosure, in a physical sense – in terms of things like my actual ‘sex drive’ – I’m pretty satisfied with the amount we have too. My main concern has always been that she was happy with her lot. Because I suppose, on a subconscious level, sex has always been a good barometer for how things are going in our relationship.
‘I love sex and I love our relationship,’ she reassures me, as I stand naked before her clutching a rose between my teeth (KIDDING! We were just having a romantic dinner). ‘And whenever we do it, I always think we should do it more. But sometimes it’s hard to put yourself first when there’s so much else to do, and being intimate can just be a nice cuddle.’
‘Also,’ she continues, totally unprompted (much), ‘I am still very happy with your moves.’ It felt good to talk, to expose ourselves in a more figurative sense. Deep down, I think we all just need to feel valued and fancied, and I’ve also learned that it’s OK to have a quick smooch on the sofa without it mushrooming into an acrobatic seven-hour sex marathon. Although that’s OK sometimes too.
Top Tips For Broaching The Subject
1. Don’t romanticise those early days
You forget how anxious and insecure you felt at the start
of a relationship,’ says agony aunt Petra Boynton. ‘But sex might have been tricky then too.’ Hence the key here is to accept your situation as normal – ie, don’t wind yourself up.
2. Don’t be afraid of your own awkwardness
‘It’s OK to feel silly with one another,’ says Petra. ‘If you want to try something out or mix things up, don’t shy away from discussing it.’
3. Don’t think of sex as just shagging
‘Sex isn’t all willies and vaginas,’ says Petra, ‘it can be just being together, having fun, or having a cuddle. Being valued, being kind, not feeling pressured to live up to other people’s standards.’
4. LISTEN to each other
This one is super-important. ‘Discussing the issues you might have with your sex life doesn’t mean that the relationship is somehow doomed,’ insists Petra. ‘You can talk, and listen, and work out how to simply
be happy together.’
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