‘They make me do things I don’t want to do. They keep me away from my friends and family. They demand all of my attention and time.’
If a friend said this about their partner, you’d encourage them to get out quicker than you could say ‘douchebag’. But what if the douchebag in question is an employer? It’s easy to know that no job is worth your mental health, but much harder to walk away. Especially in your twenties.
Accusations have been levelled against Amazon in a New York Times story, claiming that its working culture is ‘obscenely stressful… disgustingly abusive… brutal.’ Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has denied the claims, but there’s no doubt that working long hours is enough to grind you down.
There have also been exposés of the twentysomething ‘city boys’ (and girls) who work themselves to death – sometimes literally. There have been stories of young interns who sleep under their desks because, after a 15-hour day, it’s not worth the commute home. That kind of pressure does no-one any good.
So, are there parallels between bad jobs and bad relationships? Jane*, a nurse at a London hospital, told me, ‘I would have issues with a boyfriend who put me in a situation where he knew I would be at risk, or where I would feel obligated to put myself in harm’s way for someone whose wellbeing I was responsible for, and just told me I had to deal with it. This happens every day at work.’
No-one wants to belittle the seriousness of an abusive relationships – and the emotional turmoil that comes with it – but Jane's experience as a nurse is proof that violence and intimidation can happen in the workplace too.
‘At work, I have been punched in the face, scratched, slapped, grabbed by the wrists and kicked. I have been called names and sworn at (all by patients and relatives). My parentage, morals and motivations have all been questioned aggressively. Were this to happen in a relationship I hope I’d be out of there like Meatloaf’s proverbial.’
I’ve been expected to have that job as the only thing in my life and work till 3am; I needed the job and the employer held all the power
Lucy, who works in PR, said: ‘You tend to have to stick with something or ignore it. There are definite parallels with being stuck in a bad relationship. Sometimes moving on just isn’t an option.’
Women, especially, can feel the pressure to build a career in their twenties. Focusing everything on your career is accepted, and even encouraged – but to what end? Alex, a 29-year-old business owner who used to work several office and lab-based jobs, said, ‘I’ve been in jobs where I’ve constantly been told I wasn’t not doing enough, despite going above and beyond my job description. I’ve been expected to have that job as the only thing in my life and work till 3am; I needed the job and the employer held all the power. I wouldn’t expect my partner to treat me so badly!’
The New York Times article about Amazon quotes an ex-worker saying, ‘Nearly every person I worked with, I saw cry at their desk.’
Clare, a client services manager, told me that she’d ‘cried loads’ at work. ‘Mostly colleagues say, “There’s nothing you can do about it.” Management always pretend I’ve misinterpreted the issue and that it doesn’t exist.’
Alex adds: ‘I have cried at work and been told to just get on with it because that’s the way it is. I would say that a lot of employers push more than they should because you need the job.’
Jane pointed out that nursing brings an extra layer of complexity to the issue: ‘Not everybody in the world is nice, and even lovely people are cranky when they’re scared and ill. My job is not to discriminate – I’m not allowed to refuse to look after someone no matter how rude they are. From a medical point of view, anger, irritability, shouting and swearing can be symptoms – dementia, drugs, liver failure, head injuries.
‘In fear, people lash out at what they see as an easy target, which is often the person standing nearest to them! I find I can put up with things because they aren’t personal – they aren’t about me.’
Bea, who works in the arts, recalled a manager who ‘made me cry – they took a joke way too far. I walked out to stop the situation but when I came back I made sure they knew I wasn’t happy. If they’d been a boyfriend the walkout would probably have been permanent, but I needed the job.’
The fear of losing your job is a problem for everyone, but for women in their twenties, no job probably means having to move back in with your parents (if that’s even an option). With housing benefit now unavailable to under-25s, many people are clinging onto toxic jobs to avoid unemployment.
In a good, healthy relationship, all parties enter into the arrangement voluntarily. You choose your partner, and you can walk away if they turn out to be a controlling or otherwise unpleasant person. A job, though, is essential unless you happen to be fabulously wealthy. The fear of losing your job means we put up with things that would get a boyfriend dumped.
Clare says: ‘I will always put up with everything that is thrown at me through a misguided sense of not being a quitter. I have never quit a job without having another one, for financial reasons.’
The fact that you need a job immediately places all the power in the hands of your employer. We’re dealing with the impact of the worst recession in recent memory, this government is eroding workers’ rights and undermining the unions, and most people don’t want to rock the boat. That’s a combination ripe for abuse in the wrong hands.
I will always put up with everything that is thrown at me through a misguided sense of not being a quitter
‘Not all employers!’ I hear you cry, and you’d be right. However, as with any power imbalance, there is the potential for that power to be misused. The fear of losing your livelihood is a powerful motivator.
Of course, you could complain, or refuse, or organise a strike. But if you get sacked, what are your chances of winning an employment tribunal? It has recently been proposed that a fee is charged for claimants to bring their cases before a judge – a fee that is only refunded if you win your case. Is that really a risk you’re willing to take?
Clare said: ‘I went through lots of trauma; my last job demoted me in a way that was not performance-related and took away £5,000 worth of bonuses, just because. I couldn’t take them to tribunal as I hadn’t been there for two years, and ACAS advised me that I’d lose.’
Perhaps the abusive relationship analogy is an unhelpful one. Even in an bad relationship, both parties likely entered into it voluntarily at one point. In a bad job, one party holds all of the power, and it becomes purely a financial transaction. More like pimp and prostitute than boyfriend and girlfriend.
The employer-employee relationship can easily be abused. Some employers recognise that happy employees are the most productive and motivated. Some companies offer huge benefits – free massages, games rooms, lunches – to encourage team bonding and loyalty. There’s plenty that employers can do to make their staff feel valued – it’s not the big gestures that make a relationship special, after all, it’s the little things.
There are dozens of unions that can provide support and advice for employees who are struggling. Several interviewees praised the support of their unions, especially Equity and the Nursing and Midwifery Council. Citizens’ Advice can provide advice and support, and ACAS offers mediation and support.
*All names have been changed.
**You may also be interested in:
Ask An Adult: What Is Imposter Syndrome And Why Do I Have It?
A Third Of Our Bosses Think We Don’t Have The Right Attitude To Work
Artwork: Anna Jay
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.