Stuck indoors at work on St. Patrick's Day? Us too. But we're not going to let that stop us from celebrating hard, just not in the traditional (i.e. get hammered all day in a pub on Guinness) fashion. Behold: the desk-based guide to enjoying Paddy's day.
1. Wear a big green hat
Well we might as well start strong. If your work is the sort of place that would allow you to wear a big silly hat (a journalist at a lifestyle website, for example), then you might as well go for it. If not (financial consultant), then move along swiftly to...
2. Stick your earphones in and listen to B*witched
They have a really stonking back catalogue that goes way beyond the 'some people think I look like me dad' classic C'est La Vie: remember Blame It On The Weatherman? What about Rollercoaster? And the emotionally touching To You I Belong? Get ready for lots of synchronised easy-to-copy-when-you're-ten-years-old dance moves and shots of the girls hugging each other and laughing. Because they're cheeky (Irish), fun, and best mates apart from when they split up in 2002.
Here's Blame It On The Weatherman which, shockingly, only has around 400,000 views. Lets get it up to 500,000. Together.
3. Watch this video of Boyzone performing while Keith is battered
OK so we don't know he was actually battered but, throughout this episode of Jonathan Ross, every time the camera is on the green room, Keith is holding a massive glass of wine. And then he goes out on stage and does one of the most hand-based performances we've ever seen.
Clearly having the time of his life.
4. Educate yourself about Irish inventions
Did you know that the Irish invented soda water? We didn't either. Check out this list and amaze friends and family with your knowledge. Alright so 'amaze' is probably an exaggeration. 'Educate'.
5. Plan a weekend away
Yeah you could go to Dublin if you fancied a city break, but what about Ireland's stonking countryside? And it's really cheap to get there, because it's just next door. Have a google, look at Airbnb, check out last minute hotels and book your bank holiday weekend getaway.
6. Go Irish for lunch
Bypass Pret today, and use today as an excuse to get yourself some real Irish comfort food. Like anyone needs an excuse for comfort food, right?! Bacon, sausage and egg is a real Irish staple as are meat stews and bangers and mash. If you're worried about sending yourself into a coma halfway through the working day, then pick up ingredients on your lunchbreak and cook up an absolute storm later on for dinner. Then you can go to sleep face down in your bed, rather than at your desk.
7. Watch Senan Byrne's brilliant vines
He's one of Ireland's biggest vine stars, with a feed full of totally stupid, really funny, mini-sketches. Stick your earphones in and try not to laugh too hard at your desk. Otherwise people may think you've lost your mind.
8. Check out some Leprechaun porn
Alright so maybe not while you're at work. But it's worth knowing that every St. Patrick's Day, YouPorn sees a 10,000% increase in searches for Leprechaun porn. Something maybe to circulate around the office? Or perhaps just one to bring out at family gatherings when the conversation has dried up.
Happy St Patrick's Day everyone.
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Follow Stevie on Twitter: @5tevieM
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.