Do you ever leave heavy metal concerts feeling a little empty? Is your sex life lacking in Official Pleasure? Well, Motorhead are here to save the day with their new Official Pleasure Collection. Oh yes, what we’ve all been waiting for – a new range of torpedo-shaped sex toys emblazoned with the logo of everyone’s favourite rock band. Because nothing sells sex like a fanged war pig.
The band that pioneered the eclectic genres ‘thrash metal’ and ‘speed metal’ are expanding their paraphernalia into the world of genitalia. A wise, wise move that is sure to reinvigorate fans old and new. Inspired by their own song, Vibrator, they decided to cash in on this prime business opportunity.
On such an occasion, we decided to find out more about the weird and wonderful world of band merch. The place beyond comprehension, where ludicrous money meets obsessive fandom. What we found was an entirely funny celebration of why humans ARE REALLY WEIRD. Here are our seven favourites:
1 Metallica’s Light Switch Cover. Obviously.
Missing the intense musical experience of their live concerts? Decorate your house with these bad boys to achieve some super cool metallic aesthetics inside the comfort of your own home. They’re cool. They’re metal. And they have us wondering whether anyone in the band has a keen interest in interior design.
2 Deadmau5 Cat Earphones.
Can cats even listen to loud music? Who cares! This new cat accessory is all about the image. Designed by the band’s collaborator, Joshua Davis, these trendy things are worth every penny of the $1,000 they retail at.
‘For too long, felines around the world have had to listen to music solely through speakers.’ Damn right.
3 Iggy Azalea’s Fan. No literally – it’s a fan.
Lonely at the top? Iggy has now managed to find a way around this by creating her very own fans. TBH, these are still probably the only useful thing we’ve come across in our extensive band merch research. In her own words, ‘sweat it out like a bad b****.’ Indeed.
4 British Sea Power's Kendal Mint Cake
Originating from a place near Kendal in Cumbria, this indie band’s marketing idea definitely wins the award for most thoughtful merchandise. Not only is it cake, it was also given away for free at their merch stands. Free cake at gigs is the best thing we’ve heard in a long, long time.
5 Alice Cooper Eyeliner – Unisex.
Because there’s no better advertisement for the unisex potential of this make-up product than Alice Cooper himself – King of the Smokey Eye. If he can’t sell it, no one can.
6 Lucy Rose actually sells tea and preserves at her gigs
Not just any old tea though, her own blend of tea, coined Builder Grey (two parts English Breakfast, one part Earl grey.) Chutneys and jams also available.
7 The Kiss Kasket
Oh yes. What better way to celebrate a life dedicated to fandom than to be buried inside The Ultimate Band Merch. Kiss’ Funeral Casket, appropriately named the ‘Kiss Kasket’ allows you to die in style.
NB: If you were slightly put off by the hefty price of $3,299 they generously added a free Kiss Urn – a glorious accompanying gift for any mourning family.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.