According to a new report by JetCost, 10 per cent of adults have got busy in an airport. And by ‘got busy’, I mean ‘had sex’. I can sort of understand joining the mile-high club for the naughty factor, or if you’re on a 12-hour flight and are absolutely gagging for it, but an airport? That’s the international travel equivalent of bonking in a Ryman’s – neutrally decorated, sterile and quite dangerous, if you take the amount of staplers into consideration.
**There are no cushioned surfaces **
Alright, so this doesn’t make me sound like the most adventurous of shaggers, but I’d take comfort over Formica any day of the sex week. Once, I had to sleep in Heathrow overnight and the only remotely padded area I could find was a row of chairs, each with armrests, forcing me to dislocate my spine roughly seven times in five hours. Imagine having sex on that! Hot.
There are CCTV cameras
Great if you’re a bit of an exhibitionist with a penchant for gettng frogmarched out of Terminal 4 with your pants around your ankles. Not great if that aforementioned image would leave you feeling more embarrassed than randy. Airports tend to be heavy on the surveillance, what with terrorism and all that, so you’re quite likely to get arrested for having sex in a public place.
There’s no payoff
Genuinely, what’s the point? So you can say ‘I had sex in Gatwick’ the next time you’re out with a mate? So you can tick it off your bucket list? Who puts ‘shag in an airport’ on their bucket list?
Maybe, if you go at it in the travel lounge, there’s a bit of heightened excitement (and padding – see above) but that’s just the same as bonking in any old restaurant/bar. And not even a good one. If you’re going to go bar-bonking, at least do it somewhere classy like anywhere other than a travel lounge in an airport.
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It’s dirty
Airports get cleaned, sure, but the places you’ll be sexing in (presumably cupboards, loos and, erm, behind pillars?) aren’t as rigorously or as frequently cleaned as the planes. And planes aren’t even cleaned that rigorously, either. The chances are that patch of floor you’re humping on has experienced some serious international footfall – and mostly from people who haven't washed or showered in ages. And kids who feel travel sick... Look, you’re having sex in some kid’s vom. That’s gross.
**It’s not sexy **
Have you ever been in an airport and got the horn? Do Uppercrust booths and Boots really do it for you that much? Perhaps it’s something about being trapped – once you’re at that Gate, there’s no going back – or about the fact that it’s not the norm. Thing is, neither is a Ryman’s. Or Greggs. Or your nan’s living room. If these places do it for you, then good luck to you and all who (literally) sail in you, but surely you don’t make up 10 per cent of the population.
**It’s cold **
OK this is a pretty weak one, considering I once had sex in a bush outside a college full of training vicars in broad daylight, but being cold in the outdoors is sort of fun. Being cold because the aircon is blowing full-blast up your vagina isn’t. Neither is freezing your arse off on a cold, sterile material of the plastic flooring/bench/wall while a family of four try and get Twixs out of the vending machine.
You’re about to go on a plane
What if you miss your flight?! To make sure you catch it when your gate opens (wahey), you’ve got to hump in intervals and stop every time there’s an announcement. Repeat after me: nothing good every came from hump-intervals.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.