As Alanis Morrisette said, 'It’s like rain on your wedding day'... or in my case it’s like being unable to write an article on having sick kids because your children are currently sick. As I finally sit down to write this, both my children are in the midst of what feels like the hundredth winter bug that has come into my house since the weather started to get colder in October.
It’s coming up to that festive period where pre-children, my husband and I would enjoy Christmas drinks, late night shopping and meals out celebrating with friends. Now, with a two year old and a 4 month old, I dread these weeks in the lead up to Christmas because to me it just means one thing, sickness. I know it may sound extreme but I have made over 10 trips to my local hospital with one of my children being unwell over the last two years and I have experienced things most parents wouldn’t dream of ever having to see happen to their children; my daughter struggles to breathe and has regularly been on oxygen machines and my son had severe reflux and struggled to feed without medical intervention.
Unfortunately my children both have weakened immune systems and as such they catch every snuffle and sneeze going and if i’m being totally honest, it’s left me a little bit on edge. As a mother, there’s an innate need to protect your children and keep them safe (and in my case breathing and feeding!) and this is something my children struggle to do and there isn’t much I can do to fix it. I have however become very quick at catching vomit (why I continue to do this with my hands rather than run for a bowl, I don’t know) and I can remake the bed in about 60 seconds. My daughter goes to nursery twice a week which as any parent will know, is a cesspit for bugs. Every week, she brings home along with her artwork, a variety of different coughs, colds and occasionally worse… we still have yet to experience worms or nits but I'm sure they’ll be coming home soon!
I know that this is just a phase; I have to ride the storm and know that the older they get, the stronger they become. However I think it is important to acknowledge the powerlessness that we can feel as parents, the inability to fix it, the pressure to stay positive and cheery when actually you want to scream into the abyss. As I write this, I have barely left the house over the past month and it shows. I feel panicked if I leave the house but I equally feel resentful that I’m in more than my husband (even though he is constantly encouraging me to get out). I went out to meet a friend last week and I spent the whole time just checking my phone, panicking that the children needed me. I’m not sure if it’s a maternal instinct (or I just find it hard to let go) but I feel unable to leave in case they need me. I worry that it’s their mother’s love and cuddles that they need the most and that the moment I leave the house will inevitably be when everything descends into chaos. I know this isn’t the case and their dad is just as soothing and capable, but it’s extremely hard to switch off, especially when they’ve been as unwell as mine have been.
When you have children everyone loves to tell you about the fourth trimester and how hard it is…how little sleep you get, how little time you have for yourself, how much you change. With my first child, I felt like I maintained a relatively healthy balance between mum Sarah and non-mum Sarah. I still saw my friends and went out. I still had my hobbies and took time to do the things I enjoyed for myself - the gym, reading, baking. I was still me. Second time around with both of my children being unwell simultaneously, I seem to have lost myself and I no longer know who non-mum Sarah is anymore. I’m Sarah the sickbucket holder, the late night cuddler, the regular pharmacy goer, the calpol dispenser… I’m very much deep in the fog and muddling my way through. For now, i’m trying to find enjoyment in knowing my daughter won’t always want to fall asleep in my arms, my son will no longer find my singing soothing but embarrassing and one day they won’t be wanting to cuddle on the sofa all together with a film. So it’s tough going, and I definitely spend too much time online, googling my children’s symptoms and if there’s a magical fix for reflux or asthma (there isn’t) and I probably shouldn’t cancel so many plans, but I’m going to be spending this festive period cosying up inside with my family and hunkering down from the cold hoping to reemerge in the New Year feeling a bit more myself and hopefully with everyone a bit healthier.