It’s time for mothers to recognise our worth and start demanding more. These four steps make up the feminist mum manifesto. And these areas are key because, when we start to focus on our own emotions, we begin to realise how powerful we really are.
One. Trust your gut
Our minds and bodies pick up subtle signals from our environments all the time, giving us those gut feelings that we usually can’t fully explain (but that usually turn out to be accurate). Learning to trust your gut as a mother is about prioritising your own intuition, values and opinions over those belonging to other people. When you trust your gut and allow your intuition to guide you, you can make parenting decisions with confidence and integrity.
If you find it difficult to trust your gut, or you don’t feel very in touch with your intuition, start with baby steps to build that trust. Let your gut decide which mug to have your morning coffee in, which route to take to work or which friend to text for a catch-up. As your trust in yourself grows, using your gut for higher-stakes decision making will come naturally.
Two. Look after you
If you’re not taking good care of your own health and wellbeing, you’re neglecting the most important person in your child’s universe. It’s easy for us to get in the habit of putting ourselves last, in the belief that this means our children’s wellbeing gets an extra boost. The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. Mothers’ mental health is children’s mental health, and the more you balance tending to your own needs with caring for your children, the better you’ll all feel.
When you take time and make use of resources to care for yourself - whether that means getting childcare, juggling weekend lie-ins with a partner or taking time for yourself while your kids watch some TV - you are not only recharging your own batteries, you’re giving your children the gift of a well-rested, less stressed and happier mother.
Three. Drop the guilt
If you feel it would be selfish of you to take more time, energy or money for yourself, it’s time to acknowledge that you are a human being and you matter just as much as any other member of your family. Your feelings, mental and physical health matter. Your dreams and ambitions matter. The fact that caring for yourself makes you a better, more energised and patient mother is an added extra.
If letting go of guilt is challenging for you, begin with how you treat yourself when you’re with your children. Think about the kind of role model you’d like to be, because children are always learning from you. Something as small as making sure to pack snacks and a drink for yourself as well as your kids can be enough to start shifting your feelings around self-care.
Four. Stop comparing yourself
Everyone is a “me” - a complex, messy, inconsistent human being showing their most presentable face to the world. The trouble is, we only get to see the outside of other people - the things they choose to share. And we experience all of our own messiness, failures and cringe-worthy moments… as well as our wins, pleasures and talents. Because of this, it’s really natural to compare our whole selves to other people’s presentable selves.
We see a snapshot of a stranger’s life and assume that it sums them up completely. We don’t see their insecurities, their memories, the work or luck that’s gone into that snapshot, and our brains use our own insecurities to fill in those gaps. Mindfulness can really help with comparison like this - turn your attention to the present moment and describe what you are seeing and feeling, free from judgment. Simplifying your thoughts like this can help you sort fact from assumption, and stops negative thinking in its tracks.
Mother Power: A Feminist's Guide to Motherhood by Poppy O’Neill is out now
