We can’t tell you how many messages we receive every day from mothers, pouring their hearts out over this visceral feeling of mum guilt. It’s one of the most recurring themes with guests that we interview on our podcast (Made by Mammas) demonstrating that it’s not a feeling exclusive to the ‘9 to 5’ mums but something we’ve all felt at various points during our parenting journey.
We feel guilty for leaving our kids in childcare, guilty for going to work, guilty for missing a school pick up, guilty for enjoying a child free coffee with our friends and God forbid you decided to go on a night out or weekend away! It’s a minefield of emotion that pings around our heads all day long, like a marble let loose on its run. Both of us have sobbed on the train to work, after dropping our kids off at nursery, desperately wanting the train to stop but knowing we long to get on with our lives too and we still have so much we want to achieve.
Of course, society’s comments and views on when the right time to return to work is, doesn’t help. Zoe recalls a DJ gig she took on, three weeks after Luna was born: 'The decision had not been taken lightly, but with a deep desire to continue to work and a financial need, I found myself behind the decks. A post on Instagram that night led to a total stranger demanding to know where my baby was? What did this person think? That I had left Luna alone? She of course, was with Dozza (her Dad) but comments like this, leave us feeling wracked with guilt and it takes a lot of time, work and processing to feel ok again.'
There is still a huge imbalance between genders and how we view roles as a parent. Georgia says, 'My husband James had to travel for work just three days after my first child Axel was born. I was 41 weeks pregnant and decided to be induced ahead of the trip so he wouldn’t miss the birth. I knew how big of a moment this was in his career and so was I more than happy for him to go. While he was away for those days, he was never questioned where his three-day old baby was. He was congratulated on his new role as a parent and could share pictures with colleagues. I’m not saying he didn’t feel guilty, he did, but that guilt wasn’t a result of outsider comments and the support he was shown helped to alleviate his guilt rather than add to it.”
Fast forward almost seven years and we’re happy to say we’ve left the so-called ‘mum guilt’ behind. We asked ourselves what we will want for our daughters if they decide to become parents one day. Will we want them to feel like we did? Like they’re an awful person for stepping away from the family to catch up with friends and in turn fill their own cup? Absolutely not, we hope if and when the time comes, we’ll be stepping in and encouraging them to still enjoy their lives. After all, we only get one. They say the best way to teach a child to do something is by modelling that behaviour and so if we hold back from doing the things we really want, what example is that setting and what message is that sending the next generation of mothers? Some might say we’re selfish but we’re just not willing to take on the burden on our mental health any longer. Our dreams and desires still matter and our life is still important when we become parents.
Now we spend our time on the podcast trying to empower other mothers to feel the same. Firstly, yes we have brought these tiny humans into the world and their needs will always be paramount but having a child doesn’t mean losing your identity and sacrificing the things you love. It IS ok to want to be away from your little one; to put yourself first for a while, to have a career that sets you on fire, to go dancing with friends, to take a weekend off being mum and see a different horizon. Your little one will grow in independence being away from you, they will form bonds with other people, friendships, resilience, a stronger sense of self. All in all they will thank you in the long run that they can be away from you, and you can be away from them. They will see you happy, fulfilled and able to enjoy your life outside of parenting.
This life isn’t just for our kids, it’s for us too.