We're bombarded with messaging around sleep, from the importance of a healthy pre-bed routine, to new products that claim to help achieve a perfect 8 hours of shut-eye. It's easy to feel the pressure of having a 'perfect' bedtime routine – a struggle made tougher when you're a parent. Many will know the feeling of a tiny human waking them up in the night and begging to join them in bed, and the subsequent sleep upheaval that ensues.
Co-sleeping beyond the baby stage can be controversial, with parents feeling the shame of not being able to separate their child at bedtime. This can also have a significant impact on their own sleep quality, mental health and relationship with a partner.
But some parents opt to co-sleep with their children. In 2022, Clueless actor Alicia Silverstone was heavily criticised after she shared that she shared a bed with her 11-year-old, and was 'just following nature'.
Martina Mercer-Phillips is a mother-of-one, and shares that she shared a bed with her 13-year-old daughter up until last year. Sharing a bed with her 'impacted my marriage,' she shares, adding that she and her partner are now separated. 'It caused a lot of problems but I wouldn’t have it any other way.'
Sharing a bed with children is arguably more normalised across other parts of the world. Recent studies show that 25% of pre-adolescents co-sleep in China, and this increases to 30% of school-aged children in Italy, with research showing that co-sleeping can be beneficial for children who struggle to sleep alone and need more time to adjust.
During the pandemic, Jasleen Saran's relationship took a hit and she and her husband separated. The mother of a six-year-old boy began sharing a bed again with her son both as a comfort for herself, and 'partly me feeling sorry for my son'. 'In recent months I have got him into his own room but then by around 1-2am he's up and will come to sleep with me,' she shares.
Jasleen makes the point that in Indian cultures it's more common to share a bed with your child, and she's often felt judgement from others over times she left him to sleep alone when he was younger or ill. 'I know I need to sort it, and I will but we're in between houses at the moment so it's just easier,' she says. 'I do love him to pieces so it's a hard one!'
Many mothers share the stress of being judged over the issue. 'Society definitely shames parents for sleeping in the same bed as their child past 2 years old,' says Sarah Mechow, mother of a two-year old and seven month-old. Sarah co-sleeps with her children, after initially giving into pressure and separating when her eldest was a baby for a few weeks and feeling a knock-on anxiety for her child's safety.
Sleeping with a seven-month-old is definitely disruptive, but she says it's a small price to pay for peace of mind. 'My partner was happy to sleep on the sofa because he was just so grateful to get some sleep,' she says. 'I don't believe our relationship was adversely affected by my choice of having the baby in bed with me. It's just survival mode and a new born always tests your relationship and routine and forces you to accommodate.'
Dr Patricia Britto is an educational psychologist, and says separating from children who struggle to sleep alone brings lot of challenges for many parents. 'While it’s often framed that for a child to sleep alone is a "developmental milestone", the process of moving a child from co-sleeping to independent sleep can have profound impacts on both children and parents, affecting sleep quality, emotional well-being, and even the dynamics of adult relationships.'
She reiterates the importance of supporting your child's emotional needs and ability to self-soothe. So a sudden or forceful approach to bedtime isn't a good idea. 'Rather than enforcing strict sleep boundaries, parents can gradually support children to feel safe and secure in their beds through responsive practices like staying present until they fall asleep, using transitional objects, or introducing visual timetables to explain the change,' she says.
'Ultimately, prioritising the child’s emotional well-being leads to healthier sleep habits and stronger family bonds.'