My first venture back to work was when my daughter was 3-months-old. I had a casting for a big high street fashion brand, and I was extremely nervous. What if my postpartum figure isn’t right? Do I smell of baby vomit? What is my baby doing right now…is she ok? Should I just go home? The casting director, perhaps sensing my nerves, started chatting to me and after it emerged I had left my baby at home with her father, they proceeded to tell me I shouldn’t really be back at work so soon as not only was it a precious time that I was missing out on, my daughter would suffer without the love of her mother by her side all day. Needless to say, I did not get that job.
I’d like you to take a moment to let the weight of what I was told sink in because, when you think about it, it’s quite loaded. There are three main points I took away from this, which coincidentally happen to also be the three main themes I have noticed crop up when discussing working mums. 1) The child’s caregiver (in this case my husband) isn’t as capable as the mother. 2) The mother is selfish by putting herself before spending precious time with her child, and 3) The child will struggle from the effects of being regularly apart from their mother (but not their father).
I’d also like to add ‘mum guilt’ into the mix. I couldn’t begin to count the hours I’ve spent worrying about my capabilities as a mother, a wife, a friend, or all-round human. Spoiler alert…that doesn’t get better. Further spoiler alert…nor do the comments about the working mum's life balance.
My husband [Jim Chapman, the YouTuber and model] and I are very fortunate to have flexible careers where we share childcare duties, and so far our balancing act of ‘I’ll go, you go,’ has worked. Lately, for me, it has been much more a case of ‘I’ll go’ and I’m nervous and slightly sheepish to admit I’m loving it. My husband is loving it too. So, if everyone is happy and it’s working for our family, why do I feel torn about writing down that I love working? I’m know I’m not alone in feeling this way. A close mum friend of mine recently shared her joy at landing her dream job almost in a whisper, her hushed tones muting the evident elation she felt with her achievement. I can’t imagine my husband and his friends feeling they have to scale back their careers for their families, so why do mothers feel like they should?
Why is it when my husband goes to work no one ever asks him who is caring for his daughter. Yet if I’m at work, within the first five minutes not only does the question come up, it’s often followed by, ‘Oh isn’t your husband a great dad’. I wish people made such a fuss on the days I stay at home.
As for the misconception that the other caregiver isn’t as capable, my husband is an excellent father. It is a complete joy to watch him with our daughter. Yet the guilt I feel leaving him, probably ingrained in me from being told I probably shouldn’t be working, has led to a routine where before leaving the house I ask him if he’s OK about a hundred times before saying, ‘I probably shouldn’t go’. Recently he told me very sweetly that, while he understands this is all about my guilt, it comes across that he isn’t capable, so I’ve since made a conscious effort to own my working life and my time away from them both and feel more empowered for it.
I’d love to end with something positive about how women can have it all and it’s brilliant, but it’s not always that simple. So I’ll leave you with this: three in four mothers in the UK now work, and I’d really like to hope that a big part of this is women supporting other women, and the realisation that you’re not selfish for doing so, you’re not a failure if your partner does bedtime because of your commute, and your child isn’t going to suffer if you’re not at their side 24/7. I know some women don’t have the choices and freedoms I do (and as the cost of living rises many may have to go back to work who would much rather stay at home). However, I work not only because I want to and I enjoy it, but also because I have a daughter and I hope that in the next decade things shift again and she might be able to feel that she can have it all.