What To Do When Toilet Training Won’t Click For Your Child

'Shouldn’t they be out of nappies now?' is the last thing you want to hear when toileting is proving challenging for your child. The judgement of others – family, teachers, strangers – can be humiliating.

You’re not alone. One in four children starting school in England and Wales are not toilet trained (Kindred, 2024). Some parents have had to go in up to five times a day to deal with toileting accidents – giving up work or removing their child from school altogether.

Whether it’s accidents, holding on, refusing to use the toilet or anxiety about school toilets, these struggles don’t just stay in the bathroom or toilet area either. They can influence emotions, sleep, eating and overall confidence.

'Try harder' isn’t the answer.

Real progress happens when we shift from simply getting ‘pee and poo in the loo’ to understanding why it isn’t happening yet.

Three main blocks hindering toileting progress

The first block is thinking it’s a choice: ‘If I just find the right reward, they’ll do it’. If a child struggles to recognise their body signals, feels anxious about the toilet or doesn’t understand the steps, trust me… stickers and prizes won’t fix the problem.

If your child is sitting on the loo, but not passing pee or poo, it’s not down to lack of motivation. It’s because something is making it too difficult for them.

The second block is getting hung up on age: ‘They should be trained by now’. Don’t use your child’s peers as a measuring stick. Every child’s journey is different; it’s about what is happening inside and outside their body. Forcing the issue only adds to the stress.

The final block is missing the underlying reasons: ‘They just need to try harder’. Your child is putting in more effort than you will likely ever know. There is always a reason behind accidents, or why a child is still in nappies. Those reasons could be sensory challenges or linked with anxiety and gut health. It might be about a past experience; changes to their routine; low muscle tone; a microbiome imbalance; or something else entirely. Most importantly, it signals a struggle going on with their internal or external needs – something best approached with compassion and curiosity.

If these blocks feel familiar, you’re not alone and there is something you can do about it.

Shifting the focus to real progress

Instead of saying: 'Toileting is not happening”' try adding the magic word '…yet'.

'Yet' suggests that toileting will happen; that your child is on a journey; and there is hope of real progress.

With a more positive outlook, you are ready for some practical steps.

Begin by tracking not only your child’s wee and poo routines, but also what they eat/drink, their emotional responses and their sleep habits – using the following headers:

Recording these insights for three to four days will give you a better understanding of how gut health, emotions and sleep are all interconnected with toileting. You may begin to spot patterns that allow you to experiment with making some adjustments that can have a big impact.

For example, drinking too little at once, going hours without fluids or drinking too close to bedtime can all disrupt sleep.

Empowered with these insights, you can begin to introduce some changes. Try setting an alarm to remind your child to take a drink, or for their last drink before bedtime. Place a picture of a child drinking next to the snack cupboard, so your child understands eating and drinking go together. Make water more enticing by introducing natural flavours from fruit, which can be enjoyed throughout the day, or offer hydrating snacks such as watermelon.

Help your child tune into body signals in an age-appropriate way: 'If your tummy feels hard or your bum feels wiggly, you might need the toilet.'

When you stop expecting them to 'just know', you can meet them exactly where they are and help them move forward.

Charmaine Champ is a Queen’s Nursing Institute Award winner, and a continence, sleep and behaviour consultant for children and their families. She is the founder of Clear Steps Consultancy and The Healthy School Toilet Campaign, which is supported by The British Toilet Association (BTA).