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Three children is a lot. Three children aged four and under is a lot. Three children aged four and under in one house 24/7 in a pandemic with two working parents is almost too much. And that is why my husband’s post-lockdown gift to me, well, us both really, is a vasectomy.
I think we knew after having our twins in January 2019 that our family was complete but we weren’t ready to say “never again”. It was a tough year - breastfeeding, sleep training, weaning two babies while looking after an energetic two year old. It pushed us to our limits. And then the pandemic happened, just as our twins started walking and seeking danger at every opportunity. As with thousands of parents around the country there were some very low days. The juggle of working, parenting, cooking and cleaning, coupled with the fears of catching and passing on coronavirus, was overwhelming.
We took it one day at a time, as everyone else living through this year has had to do, and when I think back on it now, it all feels like a bit of a blur to be honest. But the one thing which has stayed with us both is the strong feeling that our family is complete. A situation like that again with another child in the mix would have a huge impact on our mental health, relationship, careers and other children.
We had talked about a vasectomy before the pandemic but late last year we made the decision it was the right thing for us. My husband was reluctant to contact his GP at first - mainly due to concerns about the procedure itself rather than his long-term fertility - but chatting to friends who’d already had it done soon alleviated his concerns. These were friends who’d also experienced stressful times during lockdown and while children are (almost!) always worth the exhaustion, isolating at home with them for months on end is also a great form of contraception!
Emma, 38, has a five year old and three year old. Before the pandemic, she thought she would always have three children, while her husband largely considered their family to be complete. “After months of homeschooling and the stress of trying to bring our kids through this horrendous time vaguely emotionally unscathed, we are now both on the same page and of the firm opinion that we have made the right choice to stop at two,” she says.
Her husband had a vasectomy last year: “It is actually reassuring to know the decision is final and having come through what was one of the most challenging periods of our lives, we have made the best decision for our future as a unit of four.”
A fertility survey in Europe showed 50% of people in Germany and France who had planned to have a child in 2020 were going to postpone it.
A friend who is in her late 30s had a contraception failure during a moment of passion after watching Bridgerton in January. She told me the feeling of dread she had as she got the morning-after-pill the next day made her realise she didn’t want a third child. “We can barely cope with the two we’ve got now,” she told me. They have decided to get a dog instead.
This feeling of finality the pandemic has created is not just an issue in the UK. Data shows many countries could in fact see a ‘Baby Bust’ as a result of COVID-19. In June last year a fertility survey in Europe showed 50% of people in Germany and France who had planned to have a child in 2020 were going to postpone it. In Italy 37% said they had abandoned the idea altogether. Experts have predicted that fertility rates in the UK could drop to pre-World War Two levels. The long-term effects of unemployment or low earnings could push more people, especially parents, into poverty. The Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) says the effect of the pandemic on employment could be as much as 10 times greater than that of the 2008 recession.
Dr César Díaz-García, fertility specialist and surgeon at the IVI London clinic, said: “Sadly, with the economic slump and job losses from COVID-19, some would-be mums and dads may no longer be considering children due to their financial circumstances.”
While some parents may not have been hit as hard financially, lockdown will still have made them focus on what is important in their lives. Tracey Chester, a fertility counsellor at the clinic, said many people will feel uncertain about what the future holds now that “surety in the world is no longer there”. “For some it will mean increasing the size of their family and for others it may mean your family size is complete,” she said.
She said parents will feel their time for self-care has been “squeezed” which has a huge impact on people’s emotional and physical wellbeing, not to mention their sex lives. This is something Eve, a 26-year old single mum of a four year old has experienced. She told me spending large and intense amounts of time with her child and forgoing all of the things that make her happy has cemented her decision not to have any more children.
“Whilst the first lockdown meant that me and my son had all the time in the world to play and bask in the sun, I felt like a huge part of my identity had been lost to the needs of my son, which were usually deflected by a busy routine.,” she says.
This is exactly how me and my husband feel. Life is starting to look brighter now and we’ve been able to enjoy socialising with, and without the children, again. We look forward to fun days ahead with our three boys - and if it means that for the first time in 20 years the burden of contraception lies with someone else, then ever better!
For more information on contraception and family planning go to sexwise.co.uk
Kat Storr @thesocialstorr