I am a certified step-family coach and a step-mum, and in my six years of being so I have suffered - yes suffered - some of the most high-conflict scenarios going.
I have been in a season of constant crying and not understanding why I wasn't liked. I didn't get why my voice wasn't heard. And why sometimes I deliberately excluded myself. I guess the picture I am trying to paint here is that if you are a new step-mum or a seasoned step-mum, we will have all had a turn on the rollercoaster of emotions. The problem is though, where and when does one get off?
Luckily for you, from my experience, I have some do’s and don'ts that should help the rollercoaster go slower or maybe even stop which will in turn help lead you to a, you guessed it, a happy life.
Design Your Step-Mum role
Design your step-mum role and roll with that! You don't want to do the bedtime routine but don't mind early rising for the morning one? Do that then. Have zero interest in homework and homeschooling but always down for a cuddle and a movie? That's great! Want to be the cool aunt type and not the mother type? Guess what? That's cool too. I'll tell you why, the children more often than not have two loving parents, you are the bonus - so design what that bonus looks like.
Do Set Boundaries
Look, in life you need to set boundaries in every area, please do not ever think that step-parenting isn't one of those areas. It is! Set boundaries to protect your peace and remember that breached boundaries cause a change in your behaviour, unlike a broken rule that causes a consequence for the person you set it for. Example - if you can not speak to me respectfully I (with the onus firmly being on you, the boundary enforcer) will no longer engage in conversation with you. Set them, enforce them and know you have guilt-free rights to decide what you are and are not ok with.
Don't Take On Every Battle
Guess what? Some battles, hiccups, bumps in the road, they do not all warrant your attention or emotional expense. Tell your partner to only share the big stuff and let them sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles wisely.
Set Your Family Values
Family values are foundational. Make sure you set them with your house rules and routines. They should align with who you are as human and family. Example: A family value for you might be 'Quality Time', therefore a house rule may be no phones at the dinner table.
Don't Keep Quiet
Partners are not mind readers and children need to be told if they are doing something wrong. Do not stew, speak! Make sure you are communicating your feelings and not choking them down for fear of being seen in some negative light. You will feel much better for it. Communicate!
Take Time Out
This is advice to ALL parenting types and I say this here and now to make sure that you step-mums know that you are included! Take a break, go see your friends, get a massage (when lockdown is over). We all need time away from the children even if you happen to be a part time step-mum. You need it too!
Remember You Are More Than A Step-Mum
Too often we try so hard to work against the negative perceptions of step-mothering, that we forget we are more than this title, this role that we may or may not be excelling in. You know what will help you thrive though? Remembering to be authentically you and knowing that being true to who you are makes you the best you in every role and area of your life.
Should all else fail, know that getting help is not a sign of failure but actually a beautiful sign of perseverance. Things like one-to-one coaching are quick strategic sessions that help you identify what's wrong and how to make it better. I am always one message away.
Priscilla Appeaning is the founder of The Stepmums' Club