There have been several jarring moments since having children when I’ve realised that my own parenting style and habits have been at odds with what some other parents would consider ‘good’ parenting (and more often: what I thought good parenting looked like before I had children). Whether it’s sleep training, sugar consumption, or the knotty issue of screen time, my approach is often more laissez-faire, chaotic and focused on ‘just getting through the day’ than I ever would have anticipated five years ago when I fell pregnant with my eldest son.
And more controversially, if you ever see us in a restaurant there’s a good chance that at some point in the meal, at least one of my children will be watching TV on their tablet with the headphones on. Which is even more controversial this week, after a new study found that toddlers have tantrums more regularly than those who don't - and that children using a tablet more often at the age of three showed more 'expressions of anger and frustration' by the the time they were four. Having been on the end of more than my fair share of 'expressions of anger and frustration' I can't say I'm hugely surprised. But while it hasn't made me review my own attitudes to children and screentime - it's shocked me just how judgmental and unkind other parents can be when it comes to this thorny topic.
My children - particularly my eldest - watch a LOT of TV. I always assumed we’d spend our down time together drawing pictures, playing games and reading and, although we do all of these things (actually not the drawing, despite my many attempts he shows almost no interest in arts and crafts or colouring), what he actually likes to do is hurl himself around the room dressed as various super heroes before crashing out on the sofa to watch the Onesie episode of Bluey again.
And I’ll be real, often sticking them in front of the TV is the only way I can get anything done (and by anything, I include going for a wee, making their food, eating a slice of toast at some point during the day). My only real sense of guilt comes from the fact that when my youngest is napping at the weekend, I frequently spend the whole two hours buzzing round the house, putting away mountains of washing, emptying the bins and reloading the dishwasher. I know my eldest son loves it if I come and watch TV with him and chat but I’m too in thrall to my endless to-do list to give up the opportunity to be actually productive for a few hours.
But how do I justify sticking my children in front of a screen when we’re out eating lunch, or having a drink in the pub - ostensibly family time? Well, for one thing, it’s often also the only down time my husband and I get in a busy and stressful week or fortnight - and certainly the only down time we get together. My youngest isn’t yet two and can’t be trusted… well, with anything at this stage, so keeping him entertained and in his high chair is a full-time job. Our eldest is bright, chatty and inquisitive, and runs a constant monologue of questions. It’s delightful 75% of the time, exhausting for us and him the rest of the time. He won’t sit there and draw a picture, or become engrossed in a toy, because that’s not how - at this point - he seems to want to play and learn. He will happily sit for hours and be read to - and we do that a lot at home - but honestly who wants to do that when they’re having a meal in a restaurant?
So we ask him if he wants to watch something on his tablet, we give him his headphones and he’ll happily watch a couple of Hey Duggees while we wait for our food, have a glass of wine and a chat. If the smallest one stays asleep we all get to eat our food at the same time, while it’s hot, and with a bit of luck we emerge feeling a tiny bit more refreshed and rested, which when you’ve got two children under five and two full-time jobs, is the most you can hope for out of your weekend.
I’m not going to pretend I’m not massively motivated by self interest (or self preservation if I’m being kind to myself) and often the tablet is a form of self care for me. But I’m also sure the tablet also gives my son some much-needed downtime when we’re in a busy or noisy restaurant or pub. At a family birthday lunch last year, with 30 people including a dozen older, rambunctious children, my son happily played with his friends at the far end of the table for the first hour or, then he crept onto my lap and asked if he could watch his tablet for a bit. After 20 minutes of sitting quietly, he announced that he wanted to play again and was off. When we’ve had early evening meals out on holiday I’ve observed how exhausted and tetchy he is by the end of the meal, worn out by the effort of sitting quietly and being ‘good’ so close to bedtime. When he’s allowed to tune out and watch his tablet for some of those meals he was much happier and relaxed at the point when it was time to leave.
But what increasingly strikes me is how children's screen time has become one of those flashpoints that allows parents to be incredible unkind to each other. This latest study led to an article that furiously questionned 'what kind of a parent pacifies a toddler with a screen?' I suspect this is a rhetorical question but allow me to answer anyway - a knackered one? An overwhelmed one? A parent who desperately needs 20 minutes to themselves? An ipad isn't a substitute for parenting, interaction or play - and we could all do to remember that - but it forms a different and important function in many households.
In the end, everyone has to set their own boundaries - we don’t generally give our phones to the boys to watch things on, we avoid letting them loose on YouTube and for the most part try and treat the tablet like a portable TV. We sit and watch telly with them at home and chat about what we’ve seen and as my eldest is getting older I’m trying to tie the TV he’s watching in with books he might like. My boys are both engaged, communicative and bright - through luck rather than design, I’m sure, - but I’m confident that the amount of screen time we allow them is the right amount for them, and us as a family, although others might baulk at it.
I don’t need to remind anyone reading this how hard parenting can be right now. The intensity with which we’re expected to nurture our children (while squeezing in a full-time job, a full social life and a thriving TikTok channel) is totally unsustainable. Sometimes, just trying to ‘just get through the day’ when you’ve got small children is all you can hope for, and if a judicious use of screen time takes the edge off and gives everyone some breathing space, then who are any of us to judge?
Rebecca Holmanhas been digital director of Grazia for the last five years and is author of BETA: Quiet Girls Can Run The World. She has written about dating, relationships, work, parenting and pop culture.