As the mother of a child with SEND (special educational needs and disability) I was stunned to read Jo Frost, otherwise known as Supernanny’s latest caption on Instagram: 'Today in the 21st century people want to banish the word 'naughty,'’ she wrote. ‘They say it is a negative word to describe a child's behaviour. Yet we desperately want to label our children ADD, ADHD, ODD and every other ABCD.'
Her post has already received almost 1,000 comments, mostly from angry mums like me, but more worryingly it’s also been liked over 4,000 times.
Many of the comments are pleas for her to take the post down. ‘Please look at the quote in the picture and see how offensive this is,’ wrote one mother. ‘Parents of SEND children have a constant battle on their hands to first of all get a diagnosis, and then to get their children the help they need. Neurodivergent children are not “naughty”.’
‘We are not desperate to label our children,’ wrote another. ‘We are desperate to be heard. This post completely undermines the struggles that neurodivergent adults and children face by a world that struggles to accept them for who they are.’
Meanwhile, another simply wrote: ‘Comments like the one in your photo do nothing but perpetuate the negative stigma associated with neurodivergence. This post is offensive and wrong.’
Three thousand children were referred to the Children and Adults Mental Health Service in 2021 in the UK, a 15% increase from the previous year. And as any parent whose child has been referred will know, it can then take even longer to get a diagnosis. Our 10-year-old son, Eddie, was on the CAMHS waiting list for over three years before receiving his autism diagnosis, which we ended up getting done privately because we felt we couldn’t wait any longer.
Unfortunately, the idea that neurodiversity is simply a child being ‘naughty’, or something caused by lazy parenting, still pervades. The line between naughty and neurodiverse is often blurred because many neurodivergent traits, including being blunt, impulsive, or disorganised, are confused with being naughty.
I know from experience that parents of neurodiverse children often find themselves on the receiving end of judgement. Tight-lipped shoppers in the supermarket, mums at the school gate shaking their head at your child’s meltdown, tut tutting in restaurants or, even – and I’ve had this – people crossing the road to get away from you and your child.
My son, for example, often refuses to say hello or look someone in the eye when we have visitors to the house. He sometimes asks, very loudly, when they are going home. And once, when a friend gave him a birthday present he didn’t like he told her he thought it was “rubbish.” I was mortified but he couldn't understand why I had asked him to apologise. "What have I done wrong?" he asked. Autistic people often have issues with communication, and he doesn’t have a filter and says exactly what he thinks. Despite the fact he hates loud noise, he sometimes speaks very loudly himself and we often have to remind him to use his “inside voice” if we are out, and especially at the cinema.
So this sort of post from Frost stings because parents of neurodiverse kids are painfully aware of how their child is often perceived as being rude or naughty. Our kids are often the ones who don’t get invited back to people’s houses on playdates, or invited to parties. It is isolating and difficult. And unless you have experience of raising a neurodiverse child, it is impossible to make a judgement. Her comments could even deter people from seeking help.
And this matters because, as we found, even with a diagnosis, it’s a never-ending battle to get the right support, such as additional help at school, and guidance because the SEND system in the UK is desperately underfunded. So, the last thing we need is someone who calls herself a parenting expert confusing naughty with neurodivergent.
Photographer: Craig Addison