Literature and myths are full of sibling rivalry: Cain & Abel, Old Hamlet and Claudius, Jacob and Esau. And now we can watch the latest powerful incarnation on our TV screens, in the third series of Succession, where we see Connor, Kendall, Shiv and Roman Roy battle it out for their father’s love, approval – and business.
Sibling rivalry that continues into adulthood is a very potent subject, and a taboo one too. Freud believed it was an extension of the Oedipus complex, where we want to kill off our first ‘attachment’ rival, ie, our parent of the same sex. Similarly, some experts believe siblings subconsciously want to ‘kill off’ their rivals - ie, their siblings - for parental affection or affirmation.
The problem with the existence of siblings is that we would prefer our parents all to ourselves. In the womb we got used to the perfect all-encompassing relationship. Yet after birth, as we got used to separation, we start to fear that maybe there isn’t enough love, attention or resources to go around. And if that happens, our psyche tells us that we run the risk of being abandoned – which in effect feels like a death. That’s why sibling rivalry feels so intense – the stakes are so high.
A recent poll of 2,000 adults found 51% still have a competitive relationship with their siblings well into adulthood, with one in five of us believing our parents have a favourite child.
Ultimately sibling rivalry is therefore about power, the logic being that if you are the one your parents approve of and notice and celebrate, then you have the power, the influence - and hopefully one day the inheritance.
This is dramatically played out in Succession, where the four adult children of media billionaire Logan Roy compete not just for his attention and positive regard, but also for a share in the company, and all the money and power that decides. The show is compelling precisely because even though the lifestyle of opulence is far removed from that of the audience, the Greek Tragedy emotions between the siblings, and their individual relationship with their manipulative father who subtly plays them all off against each other, are so ordinary and relatable.
One third of adults in a study in Psychology Today described their relations with their siblings as ‘competitive or distant’. Family events like Christmas are often the setting for big emotions around betrayal, jealousy, fear, guilt or obsession that get played out among adults because the emotional template got laid down in early childhood.
If you are dealing with the stresses and emotions triggered by sibling rivalry, start by recognising the childhood root of it all. As a child, it would have been life-threatening if your parents had somehow rejected you for one of your siblings. But as an adult, you have skills and resources that make survival possible. So even though you might be feeling empty or destroyed, this is just a feeling, not a reality.
The way to cope with this wave of feeling is (in the moment of it happening) to ride the wave when it comes, to realise that eventually the feelings will subside. And while you are learning to ride the wave, start to build up your support network. Surround yourself with friends who bring out the best in you, and who value you for who you are. The more you value yourself, the less you will need the validation from your parents, and the less you will need to compete with your siblings for anything at all.
It may also be that you start behaving like Connor, the eldest of Logan Roy’s children. To a large extent, Connor refuses to play the same game as his other three siblings. He has opted out of the dog-eat-dog family business world they all move in, and although he still longs for paternal approval, he is fulfilled in other ways. So, if for example you know that there is a big family event coming up where the rivalry will be activated, you might choose to sit this event out. Show that you no longer need the approval of your parents in order to feel good about yourself, and instead walk your own path to fulfilment and self-worth.
Recognise too that sometimes parents may seek to exert their power by playing their children off against each other – which is what Logan Roy does all the time to his children. Once you take yourself out of the game that is being played, of making the parents feel powerful, you deny them this power.
Families are very much about allegiance and separation. It’s all about staking out your territory and reclaiming your boundary. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin, content with your own achievements, not constantly looking over your shoulder to check that mummy and daddy are watching you on the swing instead of your sibling on the see-saw. The priority for you is to let go of longing for love, kindness, and validation that previously came from the external parental source, and instead provide it to yourself.
Lucy Beresford****, psychotherapist, relationship expert and broadcaster