There’s no doubt about it: we live in a world designed for extroverts. Those outgoing, confident types who seem to love meeting new people, trying new things, and speaking up in groups, and who command greater attention from the classroom to the workplace. Something that has been called the “Extrovert Advantage”.
But what does this mean for parents of more introverted children? Are our children doomed to a life of being overlooked and undervalued? I’m the parent of two introverts, and I can assure you that’s not the case. Here are some strategies you can implement to help your quieter child thrive.
Embrace their shyness
Help your child recognize and embrace the wonderful things that come with being introverted.
Because of our cultural emphasis on getting out and doing things, and speaking your mind, introverted children can feel out of place, “lesser”, or like they don’t fit in. Depending on the temperaments of the other adults and children in your house, they may feel this way at home. They are also likely to feel this way at school, where children who speak up often stand out more in the classroom. Young children may not understand why they feel out of place.
One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to help your child understand themselves. Help them understand there is nothing wrong with him, explain how we are all born with different temperaments and while some children love to be surrounded by others and to be busy, some children feel more comfortable in quiet activities or on their own. Help your child understand all the things that are wonderful about introverts – they are quiet thinkers, which often allows for more creativity and deep thought. They make great friends because they form deep connections. Albert Einstein was famous for his introversion and once said, “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.”
Find activities that are a good fit for them
Shyer children naturally enjoy activities that involve fewer people so don’t overwhelm them with social stimulation. Give your child plenty of options, like building Lego, jigsaws, reading, puzzles or watching a movie at home together. There are plenty of hobbies that are great fits for introverted children. Photography allows them to be outside experiencing the world and in the company of others, while still feeling safe and less exposed by being behind a camera. Other options include painting, gardening, or cooking – these are all ways that they can spend time with you, with others, and out in the world, without becoming exhausted by a need for constant social interaction.
Give them a quiet place that is their own
More introverted children often need a space where they can be alone with their thoughts. Whether that’s their bedroom, their own little fort, or you could create a corner stuffed with comfy pillows and hidden by a sheet tacked to the wall. The important thing is that they have somewhere that is off-limits to everyone else that they can feel is their own special place. Introverted children often need a way to retreat and get away when the world around them feels a bit too stimulating. They need time alone to recharge.
Help them recognise when they need quiet time
Some children are great at recognizing on their own when they need some down time. When we have people over to the house for dinner or a playdate, my 3-year-old introverted child will eventually start to get fussy over minor things. It’s clear that all the people and activity are just becoming too much. When that happens, she usually looks at us and declares that she needs to go upstairs and “take a little nap.” She’ll go to her room and look at a book for 5-15 minutes and return recharged as her delightful little self. Sometimes we recognize she’s headed that way and ask, “Do you need a little quiet time?” and she almost always responds affirmatively with relief and heads up to her room for a quick break.
Many introverted children need some help recognizing when they are becoming overstimulated, so help them identify when they are feeling overwhelmed and encourage them to find ways to take some time to themselves. For example, if you’re at a birthday party and you can tell it is becoming too much, say, “Should we go outside and take a break for a few minutes?” Or if the gathering is at your house, you could suggest they come help you with something in the kitchen. Help your child understand that it’s OK to leave for a little bit and then rejoin the fun. It’s the child equivalent of the adult taking a break from a party out on the balcony.
Don’t worry so much!
Parents who are more extroverted tend to worry about their more introverted children. “My child is a loner! They aren’t going to have friends! They are refusing to participate in the school play!” I’m an extrovert with two introverted children. Trust me, I get it.
But here’s what I’ve learned – from my own introverted children, from talking with other self-proclaimed introverts, and from researching introversion, sometimes your child just wants alone time. It doesn’t mean they won’t have friends. They just need room to be quiet. They need to process and recharge. The take-away for us extroverts with introverted children: their brains are wired differently than ours. They get enjoyment from different experiences than we do, and many of the things we enjoy are stressful for them. It’s up to us to love and appreciate them for their unique qualities, not pressure them to our way of being. Doing that will only strain our relationships with them.
Ultimately, our introverted children need to know that we love them even though they aren’t always the centre of attention, or the most popular child on the playground. They need to understand that more isn’t always better, that little things are “enough” – snuggling with you, reading a book, playing together at the house, a few close friends. Your introverted child is more likely to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and as their parent, you can help them see that as a gift rather than a liability.
The above is an abbreviated excerpt from The Child Code: The Science Behind Your Child’s True Nature and How to Nurture It by Dr. Danielle Dick, Professor of Psychology and Genetics. For more tips and tricks about parenting to your child’s unique nature, visit TheChildCode.com