Sarah Tarleton: Here’s What I’ve Learned About First-Time Pregnancy

Last week I reached two pregnancy milestones, one much more significant than the other. The first was hitting 24 weeks pregnant (the point at which it is thought a premature baby stands a chance of survival) the second being I had my first moment of uncontrollable, completely out of nowhere, hormonal tears.

I’d really like to tell you it was the joy of realising my daughter has reached that growth milestone, but it wasn’t. It was over some chips. Yes, I suddenly burst into tears when the waitress let me know the menu had changed and I could no longer order a side of fries: cue tears, and then more tears out of embarrassment that I had no idea why I was so emotional over the lack of extra potatoes with my lunch.

Impending motherhood is a strange thing; as a girl growing up I felt like motherhood was something inextricably linked with my impending adulthood, an unspoken expectation but also something I very desperately wanted and longed for. I loved playing ‘mum’ whether that was as a young girl playing with dolls, babysitting the neighbour’s children as a teenager or baking and spending time with my nieces and nephews as an adult.

But (and to state the obvious here) nothing really prepares you for the real thing. Here’s some things I’ve learnt about pregnancy recently…

Everyone has a birth ‘horror story’.

Absolutely everyone, whether that’s your mother, your best friend or a random person you pass on the street, everyone has one (and is not afraid to share it with you). I’m not under the illusion that labour will be easy but I also don’t need to know about your best friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law who had something traumatic happen and for you to give me an in-depth description of the gory details. We all know giving birth is pretty visceral, let’s just leave it at that. My advice here, tune this out.

Everyone has an opinion.

This was actually something I found I struggled with, particularly after I was diagnosed with HG and have had to spend more time resting. Hyperemesis is still a fairly unspoken illness and is easily confused with morning sickness which is something that affects most women. Therefore a lot of women who suffered morning sickness and soldiered on have opinions on those who can’t. Important word there is can’t. I felt quite isolated and worried, especially when my fiance was doing so much work to our house and I felt such guilt I wasn’t helping with the heavy lifting. Those external opinions did hit harder at this point, that I perhaps should ‘get a grip’ or ‘pull it together’. But I did what my doctor advised was safest for me and for my baby and like the above point, this is another one to just tune out.

No amount of preparation, trips to the shops, books or googling will cure that feeling of being unprepared.

Baby shops are a minefield! There’s so many options of car seats, prams, cots and play mats and every option is marketed to be ‘safer’ or ‘better for the baby’s development’ than the last. Baby shopping is lovely and everything in miniature is by definition about 10x cuter, but the shops are geared up towards this consumerist, post birth apocalypse, as if the minute your child arrives, that’s it and you absolutely have to purchase all these items to manage once your precious bundle of joy is here. FYI, this discovery made me cry more than the chips…. It was like it suddenly dawned on me how much everyone is winging it and how even if I had bought the whole John Lewis baby section, I'd still be completely unprepared.I’ve read some really lovely books and found an antenatal class I really enjoy and that’s about as prepared as I think i can manage! So as with points 1 and 2, what you’ve done in preparation… tune it out.

Some people will be more excited than you and that is absolutely ok.

Anyone who follows my fiance on instagram will be hard pushed to not notice how excited he is about our baby news. The journey for me however hasn’t been quite such an enjoyable ride; the days we had our scans coincided with bad bouts of sickness and rather than share Jim’s excitement at seeing our baby on screen, I was more excited to be back reunited with my bathroom floor. The early days of my pregnancy, when we hadn’t told many friends or family, Jim and my mum would text each other, just a quick ‘I'm really excited today, are you?’ and I felt bad that I was too preoccupied with my overwhelming nausea, surging hormones and need to vomit to really join in their shared excitement.

However unlike the above points, this is one I don’t tune out. I tune up, extra volume, because the days when I’m terrified about if i’ll be a good mother or if my baby is getting everything she needs from me, I only have to look at the love I feel from our family and friends and know I’m supported and prepared as best as I can. Most importantly, I look at the love that I and the baby receive from ‘the world’s most excited dad’ and I let that wash over me, because the moment when I cried because the restaurant didn’t have any fries, or I cried in the baby section of the department store, Jim was by my side supporting me and reminding me that it’s ok that I feel that way because we’re a team, we’re tackling all these milestones together and that love and excitement from him is worth tuning into.